


The space between your fingers is where mine fit best

by JulieVerne



Category: Saving Hope
Genre: F/F, Interlude, Lintz - Freeform, saving hope - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-05 22:44:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11023140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulieVerne/pseuds/JulieVerne
Summary: A short series of interludes - the moments after the Lintz moments we see.Sydney, Maggie, and a lot of processing.A work in progress. Chapters will be added as and when they are written, and reordered ad hoc.Cross-posted to fanfiction.netChapters are now in order.





	1. Periodically

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a miscarriage, emotions tend to run high.

It hit Maggie once she recognized the familiar cramp that it was real, that the child she’d been expecting was really dead, as was her relationship with Gavin. The familiar blood reminding her of the time she bled out her child.

She’d been fond of Gavin – even loved him like a puppy-dog sort of way – but she’d never felt like he was fully committed, like he’d really go to bat for her. He’d felt too young, too inexperienced, too infatuated – but then, also, too skittish, too non-committal. And the dissolution of her pregnancy meant there was nothing keeping her with him, that she could leave. She liked Gavin – but not in a rest-of-her-life sort of way. She had this feeling that there was something missing. He was loving, but not passionate, and Maggie needed that wildness, that urgent desire to keep her sated.

Maggie was losing her mind a little though, without him, with reality creeping in.

\-----

Sydney wasn’t affectionate – physically or verbally, so Maggie took note when Sydney all-too-casually rested her hand on Maggie’s. Her advice earlier in the day hadn’t been helpful, but this – Maggie knew Sydney must have dealt with a lot of miscarriages and was probably better equipped to deal with that fallout than a shrink – or the situation with David Zarb.

The way Sydney had dealt with David had been… unorthodox, Maggie thought to herself with a chuckle. But it showed who she was, how she dealt with things; with practicality and a bit too much fervour, but Sydney seemed to deal with Maggie a little differently than most things.

“Is it something I do alone?” Maggie asked, looking down at Sydney’s hand covering her own, kind of hoping Sydney would offer to walk her through it, that she’d be able to finally say something comforting, although what she’d said about the hopes and dreams for the future had made sense, it still wasn’t comforting.

“You can do it however you want, or you can not do it at all. Like I said, it’s up to you.” With that Sydney gave Maggie’s hand a squeeze and stood up, gathered her ipad and went back to her office. She’d started hanging out in the doctor’s lounge just to keep an eye on Maggie, just to make sure her ‘hormones’ didn’t make her do anything she would regret. Or so she told herself. It’s not like she had any other reason to watch her resident.

In the same way that Dr Hamza sterilised his hands after a high five or any skin contact, Sydney usually brushed her hand on her thigh or her side, to wipe away that clammy-skin feel of humanity. But Maggie’s hand wasn’t clammy - instead it was warm and welcoming in Sydney’s own hand and Sydney - for the first time in a very long time, didn’t feel the need to wipe her hand on her coat or skirt. Instead she balled her left hand hand into a fist, put it in her pocket as if she could tuck away the memory of how Maggie’s hand had felt in hers, thinking about the way Maggie had just… accepted the touch, raised her thumb to hold Sydney’s hand with her own, absently brushing her thumb over Sydney’s knuckles. Thinking about the warmth Maggie exuded, even from her hands, and again when Sydney had brushed against her to leave.

Sydney shut the door to her office, shook her head, took out her phone and sat at her desk.

“Hi, Herschel? I’m just calling back; our parents seem very keen on us going ahead with this. 7 will be fine. I’ll see you then.” Sydney hung up, sighed, and looked at her still-tingling left hand.

\-----

That night, after Maggie had showered and cooked dinner, watched some aimless talk show on the television in her ratty new apartment that she thankfully had to herself, she gathered up the few things she had started compiling for her baby, and a small box someone had given her as a child.

She wrote about what she’d hoped the future would look like with this child, this unborn, miscarried child she’d been so looking forward to not because it was Gavin’s but because it was hers. She admitted that as a resident it would have been so difficult to carry to term and sit the boards, and return to the OR with an infant growing at home without her watching every precious moment. Perhaps it was too soon, but it didn’t make her grieve any less.

She sealed the letter, closed the box, and thought of Sydney. She thought of Sydney’s hand, so small on her own. She wondered what Sydney was doing, and if Sydney would have done this with her if Maggie had asked her to, frank commentary like ‘those booties are far too big for a newborn, Maggie,’ and a hand that reached for Maggie’s own when she blew out the candle.

Dr Kalfas had inspired Maggie, and disappointed her. Her new boss was also inspiring, and awkward, and methodical, and Maggie really, really hoped her new mentor would be much more diligent and ethical than the last one. Maggie touched her mouth, remembering Kalfas’ impropriety. At least there was no chance of that happening again. Maggie tapped her lips thoughtfully, stretched, blew out the candle and went to bed alone, relishing the extra room in her bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interlude: Season 3, episode 3
> 
>  
> 
> Short, but hopefully sweet. I think Maggie was the catalyst for Sydney dating Herschel, and I'm not sure if Maggie started thinking about Sydney here or later, but it's a slow burn.


	2. After the email

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sydney sends that fateful email, Maggie chases her down for an explanation.  
> And it leaves her needing more explanations.

Maggie had tracked Sydney down to the on-call room, ready to confront her. But Sydney disarmed her quickly with her calm demeanour and frank apology, followed by an attempt at a joke, which Maggie attempted to smile at. Sydney watched Maggie carefully, eyes fixed on Maggie’s mouth. Maggie noted the coy smile on Sydney’s face, bit her lip, looked down – oh god, not there Maggie, don’t look at her chest, her eyes are up there - fished for something to say.

“It was a good day,” Maggie started, and was abruptly cut off by Sydney’s mouth crashing into hers. Sydney cradled Maggie’s face, and Maggie, out of some foreign instinct, cupped Sydney’s face, only for Sydney to drop her hand to Maggie’s shoulder, then down her chest before she pulled away. Sydney wandered casually from the on-call room, fingers brushing against her lips as she turned to look back through the window at Maggie, who was still propped against the bunk, her hand still raised.

“Huh,” said Maggie, confused. She hadn’t really thought of Sydney like that, hadn’t thought of any woman like that – but it hadn’t been horrible, and the shorter doctor was, objectively, quite attractive. It wasn’t the worst kiss she’d ever had, and the spontaneity and the passion of the kiss had intrigued her. And Sydney’s lips had been deliciously soft in a way she hadn’t experienced before; so, so soft, the hand on her face so small and cautious and gentle for the sheer amount of spontaneity behind the kiss. Sydney had moved fast, had kissed Maggie hard, but somehow it was still a soft and surprisingly tender kiss. Sydney had looked back, hand to mouth as she walked away, and Maggie wondered if she did this to all her residents.

But then again, it was fairly obvious the frank and impatient doctor hadn't had a resident before. Maybe she was thinking of Dr Kalfas, who had done the same thing. Seems the staff obstetricians were unable to resist Maggie, Maggie thought ruefully.

Maggie had objected to Dr Kalfas’ kiss.

It didn't seem like she had any objections to this one, other than Sydney running away, and blindsiding her. It was… sweet and passionate, two of the things she’d been missing in her past relationships. Still, she would have liked a warning sign.

If there were any signs, Maggie had missed them. Sydney’s talk of God and her professional veneer had probably thrown Maggie off. Perhaps there were some signs, Maggie thought, sitting on the bunk.

And Sydney was so... small and fierce and dedicated and beautiful. Maggie swung her legs up and shut her eyes until her next call, wondering where the beautiful had come from, when she’d started noticing that. Obviously she’d noticed the first time she met Sydney, but she’d had the same thought on meeting Alex, and that had somehow dissipated to Alex being her best, beautiful friend – but Maggie was still nervous around Sydney in a way she had never been nervous around Dana or Dawn. There was something going on here, and Maggie didn’t mind seeing it through, figuring out what it meant, even if it meant questioning her sexuality because somehow that felt less important next to how thoroughly she’d just been kissed.

\-----

Maggie realised now that Sydney’s interest in her future was a little vested – she’d put in this time and effort, only to be fobbed off with a two-word answer. Sydney had been disappointed that Maggie hadn’t treated her with the respect her position entitled her to, that their familiarity had affected her professionalism.

And then - she’d thrown professionalism out the window, and kissed Maggie.

How long had the other doctor wanted to kiss her? Maggie thought back, picked out a few moments she’d noticed were unusual and had put down to the other woman’s awkwardness. 

There was the way Sydney watched Maggie drink coffee, eyes on Maggie's mouth rather than the disposable cup. There was the way Sydney walked closer to Maggie than anyone else; no other doctor walked that close to Maggie, and Sydney didn't walk that close to anyone else, the shoulders of their white coats nudging each other, their hands sometimes brushing together, Sydney flinching at the contact of their bare hands but not pulling away. There was the way Sydney tried to joke with Maggie the way she didn't joke with anyone else; she was terrible at it, and small talk, but she attempted both with Maggie.

There was the way Sydney had reached for Maggie's hand after the miscarriage - Maggie had noted it at the time because Sydney never, never touched anyone's bare skin. Well, she avoided it when she could, Maggie had noticed, and to have the small, warm hand wrapped around her own was surprisingly comforting.

If Sydney wanted to pursue her, Maggie thought she might be ok with that. And if she didn't, Maggie wanted an explanation.

\-----

Sydney washed the last of her tears off her face. She hadn’t meant to kiss Maggie, and at some point she’d have to face her and say something other than how desperately she had fallen for her resident. They had rounds together tomorrow, and Maggie was always asking questions – there was no way Maggie would just let this be an unexplained moment of weakness.

But Maggie was so – so forthright, so strong but so gentle, so perfect in that moment that Sydney hadn’t been able to help herself. She'd known for a long time that she was gay but chose to ignore it.

Maggie had made ignoring it all but impossible. Sydney lived for the moments she spent with Maggie when Maggie would make a small joke, looking shyly for Sydney's approval. Sydney had even started trying to crack a few jokes of her own, even though she was terrible at it. She wanted Maggie to smile when she was with her, because her smile reminded Sydney that there was incredible beauty in the world.

It also reminded Sydney of Leviticus, of the condemnation of her people.

Sydney called the man her parents had arranged her to date, the man she'd been dating for a few weeks now. He was an option; Maggie wasn't. If she couldn't anchor herself to Herschel, she'd drown in Maggie - and she know what her community did to women like that, didn't want it to happen to her no matter how soft the lips of her resident were, or how sweet her smile.

“I’m ready,” she said. “Let’s get married.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on Season 3, episode 8
> 
> Just a little note in thanks for all the kind reviews you guys have left - seriously makes me day and thankyou so much. I don't really know the etiquette - do I reply since there's an option, or mention it in the next piece?
> 
> Either way, your reviews have been so appreciated and reread. Thankyou, and if you feel like leaving even a small review here I can promise it will make my day.


	3. After the engagement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 3 episode 9 interlude. An engagement, an advance, a withdrawal.

The next time Maggie saw Sydney it was in the café. The smaller doctor was struggling with a box, some files and her coffee. Maggie stepped in, took the coffee and the files before the impending disaster. 

“Save the date,” Sydney said stoically. Maggie was still reeling from where she’d brushed against Sydney’s chest as she’d grabbed the files, let alone the nonsense Sydney was saying. “I’m getting married.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were… engaged…” Maggie said carefully.

“Yeah, no, just happened. Herschel and I have been together almost 10 weeks.” Sydney said, brushing off the obvious question behind Maggie’s words.

“Haven’t you ever heard of getting to know one another?” Maggie dug again.

“That’s what a lifetime of wedded bliss is for. Besides, there’s no reason to wait.” Sydney said, averting her eyes from Maggie’s.

“I can think of one,” Maggie said with an edge to her voice, not expecting an answer. Sydney rolled her eyes, started trying to balance her files, box and coffee again. 

“Wear a skirt, cover your shoulders, and do something about that hair.” Maggie watched Sydney walk away, long skirt catching on her calves, then ran her fingers through the blonde tips that had seemed like such a good idea after she broke up with Gavin, after the miscarriage. And they did make her feel better, even briefly, when she caught sight of herself in a mirror or a reflective surface. It made her feel like she’d moved on, even if she hadn’t really.

\-----

Maggie was lying in wait on the staircase, having paused halfway up on seeing Sydney start to descend. 

I saved the date," Maggie said meaningfully. 

“Listen, I know you probably want an explanation as to why I...” Sydney started but was unable to say the word.

“Kissed me? The kiss, we kissed,” Maggie said, repeating the verb and watching Sydney watch her mouth.

“It was nothing,” Sydney said, looking away.

“I’m not saying it was something, but it wasn’t nothing. Why’d you do it?”

“Maybe I was… bored,” Sydney said lamely, eyes darting for anything that wasn’t Maggie to look at, and Maggie knew she had Sydney on the ropes, knew for sure that she meant something to the other doctor. Sydney was honest and open, and had no problem making eye contact – unless she was being dishonest.

“So I should be flattered?” Maggie teased, and Sydney snapped back to the abrupt woman Maggie was familiar with.

“Doctor Lin, get over yourself. Just forget it ever happened.” Sydney said as she brushed past Maggie – plenty of room for her to go around, but still brushing close enough to stir up Maggie’s scent from her clothes, which would linger for the rest of the afternoon in Sydney’s nostrils, stay with her until evening.

“Is that what you’re doing? You’re marrying a guy you hardy know.” Maggie said, and Sydney stopped, turned to speak – and what she said just confirmed Maggie’s suspicions, that her religion was putting pressure on her, that she felt lost, that she was trying to assimilate, her very body language betraying how she felt about it.

…

“I want to be married.” Sydney finished, and Maggie could get behind that. She wanted to be married too – but to someone she liked, that she talked about to her colleagues, to someone who made her feel rather than rattle off a list of reasons as to why this – not even a relationship, just marriage – had to happen.

“But do you love him?” Maggie asked as Sydney walked away, not even pausing at the question, outraged at the list of excuses pouring from Sydney’s mouth. It sounded to Maggie like Sydney was out of options and afraid of what would happen to her, so she was turning to the only companionship available to her – this Herschel guy, who Maggie suspected Sydney hadn’t even kissed. Yet just last week she’d thrown all the passion she reserved for her profession and her religion into kissing Maggie. And today she was… not offering any explanations or apologies, just a weak cover for what Maggie was beginning to suspect was latent homosexuality under the burden of religion.

Maggie had gay friends before, gay women friends, and they’d never kissed her. It had to mean something to Sydney, had to mean something because if it didn’t then Maggie was alone in the most confusing attraction she’d ever had. Maggie was too old to be experimenting, she’d never gone through that phase. She was too old to be finding out something this important this late in life.

But she was indeed going through… a confusion. Maggie had always known who she was, what she liked in a partner, and was very forthright as to what she needed out of a relationship. Sydney was… so many things that Maggie liked, things that she would have found attractive so much earlier if Sydney had been a man. But one kiss and suddenly her thoughts were filled with Sydney.

And then the engagement, Sydney basically telling Maggie that she wasn’t an option she could pursue – it felt like Sydney was on the precipice of a decision, and had backed away from a cliff. It felt like Sydney thought she was dangerous, which meant Sydney was more than attracted to her, it meant that there was some feeling behind it. And Maggie had felt flattered – she often felt a little drab and level-headed in comparison to the vibrant redhead and to have had someone note her actions so closely, to have been so compelled to kiss her that they did so even though it could have damned her in the eyes of her God, and the sheer passion behind that kiss, a passion Maggie had never really felt before, that had bought certain body parts to immediate attention – that was certainly flattering.

\----

Maggie went home, put the invitation on the fridge and stared at it. She’d already pushed more than was appropriate. But the memory of Sydney’s kiss lingered and Maggie couldn’t shake the feeling that if she just pushed, just a little more, Sydney would come to her, be with her, kiss her with the passion she usually held for saving babies – or any humans, really. The passion with which she lived life. 

And maybe, now that Sydney was engaged, this was selfish of Maggie. She wanted an explanation, sure. But she wanted more of those kisses, soft small hands so different to any others she’d had on her – and now she couldn’t help but wonder how they’d feel elsewhere.

And if it was selfish, it was even more selfish for Sydney to have kissed her in the first place, to have stirred up all these emotions that she’d never had to consider. Maggie thought about it, and even though she’d never been with a woman, had never even thought of it, had never really been attracted to another woman – she loved the moments where Sydney smiled up at her when she gave a clever answer, or told a joke that Sydney understood, the moments when Sydney’s hand brushed over hers on a patient’s chart, or when taking a coffee from Maggie, the moments when Sydney looked so brightly at her that Maggie glowed.

And now that she was looking back, she could pinpoint every one of those moments, could remember a feeling she could only describe as ‘shiny’ afterwards, like she was a better person, skin tingling after contact. Apparently this had been going on for longer than either of them had been willing to admit.

And now, Maggie was alone in… this, whatever it was. Because Doctor Katz was marrying a man she didn't love in order to avoid whatever she felt for Maggie, leaving Maggie alone and confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I said I wanted to delete this I meant to remove the story until it was finished in order. I'll leave it up because the next chapter will be chapter 10.
> 
> As for people saying Sydney is back - I live in Australia and I will try to watch the new episodes, but there may be some delay because we are very backwards in many ways.


	4. Just a Hug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 3, episode 10 interlude.

“You look like you could use a… a hug,” Sydney said, stepping forward. Maggie raised her arms somewhat reluctantly.

Sydney knew she had confused Maggie, hoped she stayed with her thoughts. The way Maggie had frozen when Sydney hugged her told her everything. Sydney had hoped for a soft, warm, comforting hug in which she could let her hands roam across the interesting landscape of Maggie’s back, circumnavigation the larger muscle groups, counting knobs of spine and ridges of ribs, the sharp lines of her bra hinting at the softness beneath. Instead Maggie had stiffened, unsure and suspicious. Maggie’s hands had gripped once and pulled away, not rubbing comfortingly over Sydney's back like she'd hoped.

“Why are you so stiff?” Sydney asked, face crinkling in confusion and disappointment. She'd been gathering courage all day for this, planning out how to run into Maggie and offer a casual hug, only for it to fall apart in the execution.

“Oh my God, apparently I’m a bad hugger,” Maggie said, frustrated, having been forced into a hug she had been suspicious of and was now being criticised for.

“You don’t think I’m going to kiss you again, do you?” Sydney asked, emphasis using the word 'kiss', watching Maggie’s eyes briefly rest on her lips.

“Are you?” Maggie responded to a question with another question.

“Goodnight, Dr Lin,” Sydney said sardonically, rolling her eyes as she hurried off before Maggie could ask any more difficult questions, holding as tightly to the memory of the way Maggie felt pressed against her as she had held tightly to Maggie herself. It hadn’t played out the way she’d hoped, but it was as much of a move as she could make. She had hoped that it would help Maggie forget the kiss, but instead it bought it to the forefront of both of their minds again.

Sydney hadn’t kissed a lot. Just closed mouthed pecks from her fiancé, the kind she’d foisted on Maggie. She’d thought about it a lot, wished she’d opened her mouth a little, wished she’d run her hand from Maggie’s shoulder down to her chest. Wished she hadn’t run away, but she was terrified – first by her need to kiss Maggie that she hadn’t been able to deny, despite being Maggie’s superior, despite potentially getting into trouble from HR if Maggie had wanted to report her. And secondly by her body’s reaction to Maggie – not just when she was kissing her, but all the time – she could tell when Maggie walked into a room because it felt… better. And when she was near Maggie, she wanted more, she wanted to do things that her religion condemned. And that scared her. Sydney had faith, she had so much faith – but Maggie had shaken her faith, had pushed it to its knees. Maggie might have been sent as a test – or she might have been sent as a godsend. Sydney’d been attracted to other women before – in primary and high and med school – but she’d been able to resist, had never lost control like that before. She’d found herself fascinated by other women, but Maggie… Maggie followed her home. Sydney found herself replaying their interactions, wishing she’d said something cleverer, counting every smile from Maggie as a win. She found herself having imaginary conversations with Maggie, ones that ended in soft kisses and maybe more – Sydney shut down her daydreams, followed them with prayer. But her mind, when it drifted, drifted to Maggie. It drifted to Maggie’s stupid hair that Sydney wanted to run her fingers through, Maggie’s laugh, the small frown she made when she was concentrating during surgery, Maggie’s soft mouth.

Sydney had never kissed a woman before, and now she couldn’t imagine living her life without doing it again.

She also can’t imagine the difficulties her life would present if she did. Her parents, her church, her community – Sydney couldn’t justify her attraction to Maggie against her religion, and she couldn’t see anyone else understanding or accepting this either.

Other than Maggie – who hadn’t reported her, who had let Sydney hug her even though she suspected Sydney would kiss her again. Maggie pushed the issue, but not spitefully. Maggie knew what Sydney was, and didn’t seem bothered by it, just confused as to why Sydney was trying to lock away part of herself. Maggie was… Maggie was perfect, and so soft, if tense when hugged.

Maggie would accept her, and her opinion mattered a lot to Sydney. But Maggie was straight. Maggie liked men. And Sydney was engaged – finally, to the relief of her parents. Sydney had tried to make it clear that the kiss was a one-time lapse of judgement, and she knew Maggie didn’t buy it, knew Maggie would keep pushing – maybe Maggie would even kiss her, to prove the point, Sydney thought hopefully, fingers brushing her mouth, remembering Maggie’s lips. Sydney couldn’t kiss Maggie again, but if Maggie was to instigate, Sydney wouldn’t be able to stop her. Sydney wouldn’t want to stop her. Sydney couldn’t allow herself to kiss Maggie again.

But a hug – that was allowed. The kiss Sydney was still trying to pass off as a momentary lapse, not a quick-set crush that she couldn’t shake. But a hug, between colleagues – that was allowed, that was fine.

But Sydney had wanted more from that hug, wanted more from Maggie. She’d wanted to hold Maggie, to feel like she’d managed to comfort her. Instead it had been so unsatisfying in so many ways, and now Sydney really had to face the fact that her crush on Maggie was growing, rather than dissipating.

Sydney would never want to kiss Herschel the way she had wanted to kiss Maggie, she’d never offer him a hug and only awkwardly and passively accepted any physical contact he offered. But she was committed to him now, and she had to step away from Maggie, had to stop thinking about her, forget the feel of Maggie’s breasts against her chest.

It was cold comfort that Maggie was apparently thinking about the kiss as much as Sydney was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be putting these in order as and when I write them.  
> Please let me know how you feel about these, and if you think there are any other good moments to follow up or capture.


	5. Last Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 3, episode 14 interlude.  
> Sydney gets a few things off her chest; scrubs, shirt, bra, secrets.
> 
> No copyright, etc, sorry to the actresses etc.

As Maggie's hands crept up the back of Sydney's scrubs, and Sydney's breath hitched at the bare hands on bare skin that had never borne another's touch.

Sydney's hands were still resting on Maggie's face, and Sydney pulled back to look at Maggie.

"It wasn't until I kissed you that you even thought about this," Sydney said uncertainly, wavering over her decision.

"And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since." Maggie said with assurance, kissing Sydney again, this time bringing Sydney's scrub top over Sydney's head, leaving Sydney in the long sleeved shirt she always wore under her scrubs.

Maggie knew what she liked, so she just transposed it. She slipped her hands back under Sydney's shirt and rubbed the area under the strap of Sydney's bra, grinning at the sigh it brought from the other woman. Maggie undid the bra, but stopped Sydney when she tried to take off the long sleeved shirt. Instead she brought her mouth down to Sydney's nipple, moving the bra's cup out of the way and sucking the peak of Sydney's breast through the thin cotton.

Sydney moaned, and Maggie melted.

"Do you really want to do this here, where anyone could walk in at any time?" Maggie asked against Sydney's surprisingly full breast, hands now down the back of Sydney's pants.

"No, but I can't wait," Sydney said, hungry eyes fixed on Maggie as she pulled away from Sydney's chest to nearly kiss Sydney, moving her face next to Sydney's instead.

"Wouldn't you rather do this in one of our houses, where I can take my time with you?" Maggie whispered in Sydney's ear as she ran her hand over the front of Sydney's cotton underpants; they were soaked, as she had expected, and she felt an answering tug from her own groin as Sydney twitched against her hand. She nipped at Sydney's ear, then pulled back, raised her fingers to her nose. "God, you smell good. I can't wait to taste you." Sydney's hips canted forwards into Maggie twice; once at the brief contact, and once at Maggie's words. She watched the other woman with lidded eyes, still very close.

"I've been waiting most of my life for this, I can't wait any longer. If I did, I might lose my nerve." Maggie removed her hands from Sydney's pants, turned away to close the blinds and hang a sheet over the bottom bunk for a little privacy. The sheet and the blinds were code for 'find another on-call room' rather than any practical shielding. She stepped back towards Sydney with a cheeky grin.

"It does seem unfair to leave you in this state," Maggie said, then pulled Sydney to her, fitting her thigh between Sydney's legs. Sydney moaned and pressed against Maggie, trembling. Maggie ran her fingers through Sydney's now unkempt hair, before stepping back toward the bed, ducking under the sheet. Sydney came with her, joined at the mouth, and nearly stumbled when Maggie sat on the edge of the bed. Sydney moved forward onto Maggie's lap, straddling the taller doctor. Maggie pulled off the long-sleeved shirt, dove straight for Sydney's breasts.

"Are you sure you haven't done this before?" Sydney gasped as Maggie latched onto an already stiffened nipple. She got no verbal response, but she could feel Maggie grin against her breast. Sydney was now in the awkward position of having a bra half-stuck on her chest, and struggled to free her arms. She pulled Maggie up to kiss her; this was happening faster than she had expected, but also happening far too slowly. Maggie, for instance, was still fully dressed. Sydney carefully tugged at Maggie's scrub top, only to have Maggie roughly pull it off, followed by some frantic yanking at her bra. Sydney reached behind Maggie, stopped Maggie's hands, carefully undid the clips and closed her eyes. Maggie took the hint and slowed down to remove her bra and made sure she was watching Sydney when she opened her eyes. Sydney's breath caught, and she raised a tentative hand, breath catching again when she touched the soft, warm skin of Maggie's breast. She looked up at Maggie.

"I never thought… so soft…" Sydney leaned in, then lost her nerve, kissed Maggie's mouth again instead. Maggie brought their bodies together, swallowed Sydney's gasp as their breasts made contact, fingers counting ribs on her way up Sydney's back. Maggie swung her legs onto the bed, finally, and brought Sydney with her, bringing her a little off-balance on top of Maggie. Sydney propped herself up on her elbows, hovering over Maggie.

"I'm engaged," she said tentatively, as if asking Maggie what she should do, the way she hadn't been asking for months.

"You're also really gay. And kind of Orthodox. If you want to walk away, I won't stop you." Maggie said, meaning every word but contradicted by the way her hands claspsed the smaller doctor to her.

"I don't want to walk away, but I think I should. It's not fair to Herschel." Sydney made no move to get off of Maggie, though, and Maggie knew Sydney was trying to justify cheating, and honestly, Maggie should have more qualms about this. She'd never even thought about women until Sydney kissed her. Sydney was engaged and obviously her family would have huge issues with this, to the point of potentially disowning Sydney. But she felt calm. It wasn't just hormones, it wasn't just letting a lonely closeted lesbian feel her up. She had a connection with Sydney, a strong connection both emotional and sexual, and Maggie couldn't let Sydney sacrifice her life to heterosexuality without a little preview of what she could have. And it was a little selfish too, because now she was all worked up - Maggie could feel Sydney's thigh pressed nearly against her vulva through her pants and it was taking almost everything she had not to thrust up into Sydney.

"And if this is your last chance?" Maggie said, pretending not to notice the way her fingertips were trailing patterns over Sydney's rib-cage, pretending not to hear the hitch in Sydney's breath when she finally brought her mouth to that freckle on the left side of Sydney's throat that had been taunting her for months.

"Then I can't waste it. You can't have come into my life without a reason, Maggie," Sydney said with that matter-of-fact tone she used when she spoke of her beliefs, and it's almost, Maggie thought, like Sydney was saying that Maggie was her personal divine intervention.

Sydney took off her glasses and placed them on a bedside table before she leaned in to kiss Maggie. She didn't mention Herschel again. Maggie's hands wandered freely, Maggie fully expecting Sydney to stop her again, to flinch under her hands. Instead Sydney pressed tighter against Maggie, kissed her more passionately than Maggie had imagined - and Maggie had imagined this, or some version thereof, over and over since Sydney had first kissed her. She had wondered how Sydney's small but ample breasts would feel in her mouth, her hands, how uninhibited the normally shy doctor would be, how the passion Sydney reserved for God and medicine would feel focused on Maggie - and Sydney more than lived up to Maggie's feeble daydreams.

Maggie hesitated before pulling gently at Sydney's pants, wondering if she should take hers off first. But Sydney resolved that question for her by tugging her own pants off, kicking off her shoes and pulling off her socks before leaning back, kneeling naked under Maggie's gaze.

"Oh my God," Maggie said in awe, and Sydney looked so vulnerable in that moment that Maggie surged forward to kiss her. "You're a redhead through and through, aren't you?'' Maggie said a little teasingly and Sydney blushed. Maggie's hand skirted around the issue for a while, caressing Sydney's back and butt before moving around to the front. "You're gorgeous," Maggie mumbled between kisses. "Are you sure?" Maggie breathed into Sydney's mouth with her hand hovering over Sydney's dampened labia, moving away to stroke Sydney's thigh instead, ignoring Sydney's impatient huff, stilted thrust. "Do we need, like, protection or something?"

"I'm clean. I'm a virgin, and I got tested when I got engaged," Sydney said. "And I saw your blood results after the miscarriage. Unless you want to go find some gloves…" Sydney mouthed Maggie's nipple, and Maggie bit her lip.

"You're so practical," Maggie teased as she finally brought her hand flush against Sydney, who then flushed. Maggie gently pushed Sydney back on the bed, gazed considering at her, hand running over Sydney's stomach. Sydney squirmed a moment, opened her mouth to ask about the delay and suddenly Maggie's mouth was on her. Maggie grinned at the squeak that came from Sydney, then set to work, licking slowly from bottom to top, making mental notes of the moans and where they indicated. She was right; Sydney did taste good. Slowly she brought up a hand so she could flick her thumb over Sydney's clit, and Sydney came undone, so, so fast. Maggie'd barely gotten started, and she thought women were supposed to be harder to satisfy than men. Then again, Maggie supposed 10 years of waiting would do that to a woman. Maggie considered entering Sydney - she was so very wet that it almost felt like a waste of lubrication not to - but she was also mindful that Sydney was a virgin - maybe still was, Maggie wasn't sure how that worked - but honestly it felt unnecessary now, because Sydney was already panting out her name. Maggie'd thought this would be harder, that she'd have some qualms, but Sydney was sweet, so sweet and intoxicating, the taste of her exquisite - more like a treat than the favour oral sex had always seemed to her. And Maggie knew what she liked, it was so easy to just turn the tables on a still-mewling Sydney. Maggie swiped her tongue across Sydney's clit again, felt the jolt of another orgasm before clambering over Sydney to kiss her. Sydney trapped one of Maggie's legs between her own, pulsed against Maggie's thigh, and her kisses were long and languid. Sydney's hand snaked into Maggie's pants, under Maggie's underwear and two fingers stroked the length of Maggie's labia and made their way straight home almost before Maggie noticed. It made sense, almost; this was part of Sydney's job after all. Sydney looked at Maggie in wonder, then buried her face in Maggie's neck, kissing just beneath her ear. When Maggie moaned she could feel Sydney's smile against her throat.

Sydney may have been inexperienced at sex but she knew her way around a vagina as part of her profession. But the way Sydney moved her fingers inside Maggie was not professional at all. It was quick and perfect and Maggie couldn't remember the last time she had an orgasm build that quickly. Maggie came apart moments later, Sydney's mouth on her nipple and her thumb on her clit. She kissed Sydney again with some finality, went down on her one last time, memorising the landscape of Sydney's body with her mouth and hands because she had no doubt that this, like their first kiss, would be swept into the closet again. There were tears on Sydney's face when she came for the third time, and Maggie held her, there in the cramped on-call bunk, slowly kissed Sydney's face, forehead, cheek and mouth, trying to treasure this before it was just a memory, fingertips exploring the softest skin she'd ever known.

Sydney finally sat up and turned away, shrugged her bra on with her back to Maggie.

"Thank you," she said quietly. "You don't know how much this means to me." Maggie pulled down the shield-sheet, tugged her own bra and scrub top back on and lay back down on the bed in the position Sydney had found her. Sydney kept redressing; Maggie desperately wanted to help her, to touch her again but it felt too intimate while Sydney was bent on putting distance between them.

"I might have an idea, if it meant even half as much as it did to me," Maggie said quietly, so quietly she couldn't be sure the other woman had heard her. Sydney didn't pause, just leaned in to kiss Maggie one last time before leaving the on-call room. It was a slow, lingering kiss, so unlike their first, and Sydney seemed reluctant to leave; almost as reluctant as Maggie was to let her leave.

Maggie drifted off into a sexually sated but emotionally drained sleep. When her phone woke her up, her hand was wrapped around the scrub cap Sydney had left on the bed. She tucked it safely in her locker and put on some scrub pants without a suspicious stain on the thigh before heading back to the OR.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw the youtube video for this ship when I was in Toronto; I had driven there from Vancouver after flying over from Australia. I was surrounded by the world's friendliest people, but was really emotionally isolated. I started writing this mentally as I drove back to The Couv, and it hasn't left my mind since. 
> 
> More Mature than most of my works, but this really caught my imagination at a low point. I waited almost a year to post it as I didn't think they canonically had the sex, but season 5 confirmed they did, so here it is. I hope I've done it justice; it's late and in a few hours the city will need me again. It's been edited since its first iteration, and the cross-post will be updated.
> 
> Also. Lesbian safe sex. Not something I knew about in my heygaydays, but something doctors would probably discuss before they lesbian. And of course Syd checked Maggie's records. Presumptuous but cute.
> 
> Let me know how you feel about this - I don't do much - or any - smut and, I don't know. Ugh.


	6. Daddy Crab Legs' Crab Shack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A 'kind of' kosher dinner

"Enjoy your dinner," Sydney said a little bitterly, understanding why Maggie would refuse the gift from her for being 'kind of' allergic to shellfish, but happily go with Dr Dey.

"You should come with us – I hear they have a kosher salad bar," Maggie said. Sydney's gaze was too intense, so she turned to Dr Dey, who agreed a little awkwardly. Sydney looked between them, and Maggie flinched inside, wondering what she was doing. Sydney had looked so devastated and disappointed in that moment that Maggie knew she had to try to make it up to her. And she was surprised by the sudden realisation that Sydney's happiness was more important to her right now than potentially getting laid. Sydney surprised herself – and the other two doctors – by agreeing, falling into step beside Maggie, close enough to let their arms brush.

\-----

It was awkward on the streetcar, heading ten streets over. There was no room, so they stood huddled together, giggling over a consult Maggie was sharing details of. The streetcar lurched, and so did Sydney, momentum pitching her into Maggie. Maggie took the arm not holding the bar to catch Sydney against her, to steady her, to hold the smaller doctor against her. Sydney took her free hand, pushed against Maggie's hip as though she was going to push away from the embrace, but instead slipped her hand around to Maggie's back, rested her head on Maggie's shoulder. Dr Dey cleared his throat, made eye contact with Maggie and nodded, while Maggie tried not to shrug too noticeably.

Sydney closed her eyes for a moment, breathed deep the comforting, familiar smell of Maggie, reveled in the soft hand that had slipped from her shoulder down to her waist. This is what it would be like with Maggie, so unlike how it was with Herschel. Sydney had never felt so comfortable with Herschel, couldn't imagine being comfortable with his hands on her like this. She couldn't imagine letting him hold her on a streetcar, couldn't shake the sensation of crawling skin when she considered it.

But with Maggie, right now, she could pretend that they were heading home together after a long shift, back to Sydney's condo where Maggie's clothes filled half the wardrobe, where Maggie's shampoo cluttered the shower caddy, Maggie's Cajun chicken ready to take from the slow cooker when they got home.

And Sydney wants it, she wants it so badly, she wants it as badly as she wants to press into Maggie, press her lips on the exposed throat next to her face, press her throbbing core against Maggie's leg for a few moments of relief.

But she chose this. She didn't choose Maggie. She couldn't choose Maggie; Maggie wasn't even gay. Sydney couldn't upend her resident's life over something she was so selfishly feeling for her. Maggie was kind and gentle, and she was so tender when she'd made love to Sydney but even so Sydney knew Maggie was just letting her have a freebie – not for her career or an edge in the boards, but because Maggie was generous and giving to a fault. Maggie had done it for Sydney – perhaps out of pity, perhaps out of compassion – but Maggie had not done it for herself, because it was not something Maggie would choose for herself.

Maggie would never choose Sydney, so Sydney continued her facade with Herschel. But this moment, this friable moment, a few years into her marriage – or days, depending on how terrible it was – Sydney would think back to how safe she felt in the shelter of Maggie's embrace.

"Long day, Dr Katz?" Dr Dey inquired. Sydney opened her eyes and met his, expecting to find a little anger or jealousy in his face but instead finding only complete understanding. She nodded against Maggie's neck. "Next stop's ours," he said, gently readying her to pull away.

Meanwhile Maggie was gently running her fingers over the top of Sydney's hip. She'd been angry at the implication of the gift, of the implication of the bribe. It had felt like a 'keep your mouth shut' and an 'I'm done with you'. But she knows Sydney, she knows Sydney holds no malice or basic decorum for social situations. She knows it was well-intended but the idea of having to let go of the shorter doctor had scared her. They'd been dancing around each other for months, only to be pushed away after the breaking point. She could still taste Sydney's moans in her mouth, the memory of their time together replaying in her mind nearly daily. She wasn't over this; not even close. And the idea that Sydney could just push her away and marry someone she didn't love, someone she wasn't attracted to, someone she never talked about, that Maggie could take second place to someone that didn't even matter to Sydney really hurt, because Maggie wasn't even gay; not really, but all she could think about was the hard nub of one of Sydney's nipples pressing into her through Sydney's thick coat and the memory of how it had felt in her mouth, against her own bare breast. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if she was going home with Syd, to her probably very Jewish apartment with a menorah above the fireplace – but with no time to notice small things like that until the morning because Sydney is incredibly passionate and Maggie knows she'd be pushed against the front door as soon as it was slammed shut, would be kissed as though the world would end if they stopped even for a moment, would have her clothes pulled off impatiently – but somehow still quite gently, would soon be breathless and naked in front of a suddenly very still, quiet and admiring Sydney.

But they weren't going home together. Sydney had made her choice, and even though Maggie thought Sydney had made the wrong choice, she was trying to respect that choice.

Even so, she wasn't made of stone, and between her own thoughts and the feel of the smaller doctor in her arms, the smell of Sydney's hair where it tickled her nose, Sydney's hand absently rubbing small, gentle circles over Maggie's back – it was enough to start an ache she would have to sort out the minute she got home.

Sydney was thrown tighter against Maggie again as the streetcar jolted to a stop, pushing them impossibly close, knocking the breath out of both of them, and they carefully disengaged.

They walked a few blocks to the restaurant, chatting casually about the Zarb situation. Ezra was doing well, thriving despite his father's insecurities.

\----

The kosher bar was surprisingly... not terrible. Sydney did pray a little more rigorously before she started eating, wary of any cross-contamination. Maggie and Dr Dey talked; Sydney watched Maggie eat - watched Maggie's mouth feeling small and jealous. It wasn't as awkward as Maggie had thought it would be when she realised she'd asked the woman she'd been with to come to dinner with the man she was planning on being with.

"Two weeks left, Sydney," Dr Dey said casually, and Maggie could see the panic in Sydney's eyes, could see Sydney wondering what Maggie had told him.

"It's more for my parents than me," Sydney admitted slowly.

"Then let them marry Herschel," Dr Dey said flippantly, and Maggie laughed. Sydney was struck with Maggie's laughter, the fact that she'd finally spoken the truth about her engagement.

"Excuse me," Sydney said, pushing away from the table. Maggie watched her walk to the washroom.

"Don't women normally go in pairs?" Dr Dey asked innocently, and Maggie flashed him a grin before she followed Sydney.

"I have to do this, Maggie," Sydney said when she saw Maggie in the mirror behind her. "I have to."

"Who says?" Maggie asked, leaning against the counter, wanting to put her hand on Sydney's back but scared of scaring the shorter woman off.

"I just do, Maggie"

"Don't you deserve more?"

"He's a good man, Maggie. He is. He's kind. It could be worse."

"It could be better, then?" Maggie asked, a question in her voice.

"You asked what would happen if I didn't marry Herschel? I'll be an outcast spinster, even if I never…" She trailed off before she could same 'came out', but they both heard the unspoken words.

"And you couldn't find somewhere where you could just… be you?" Maggie asked, crossing her arms. "Nowhere that would accept you?"

"Not if I want to keep my family, my community, my people."

"If you have to hide who you are from them, maybe you don't need to keep them." Maggie went to say more but Sydney's face was already screwed tight, trying to hold back tears. Maggie's family was pretty open. Maggie couldn't imagine being from a world where she couldn't be honest with the people she loved about something so fundamental, but she knew it was different for Sydney, and she was trying not to judge her by her own standards. "Just something to think about," she finished lamely. "I like you as you are."

"You're the only one who knows who I am," Sydney whispered, looking as though she was considering stepping into Maggie who was more than ready to wrap her arms around Sydney. Someone else came into the bathroom, and Sydney's wavering vanished as she swiped at her face, stepped away from Maggie and locked herself in a stall.

Maggie went back to Dr Dey, who looked amused.

It was a long, relaxed dinner after that, no one commenting on the tear stains on Sydney's face. Maggie felt an ankle connect with hers a few times and tried not to care whose it was, knowing Sydney had shut her out but still hoping that the shorter doctor was still craving contact the way she was. Sydney was surprisingly good company, for all of her blunt and abrupt ways - when she relaxed she had a smile Maggie couldn't get enough of, and when she cracked a joke she looked so proud of herself it was all Maggie could do not to squeeze her knee under the table.

\-----

It was cold outside. Sydney hugged herself, shivering even in her thick coat.

"I'm headed this way," Dr Dey said, pointing West. 'So I'll say goodbye here." He hugged Maggie, then stepped toward Sydney, a little unsure. But although she was cold she uncrossed her arms, signalling that it was OK.

"She's more than you give her credit for, Sydney," he said quietly in Sydney's ear as he hugged her gently goodbye before setting off down the street, leaving the two women awkwardly alone.

"I'm this way," Maggie said finally, pointing East. She shoved her hands in her jacket pockets, rocked on her heels. "I'll get the streetcar. Which way..." Sydney pointed North.

"I'm two blocks that way. I'd invite you over but..."

"But we both know that's not a good idea." Maggie finished with a smirk.

"I'm sorry, Maggie. I never wanted to get you involved in this mess." Sydney sighed, looking up at the taller doctor, wrapping her arms around herself again.

"It's your life. It's not a mess, it's your life. And I'm glad to be part of it." With that, Maggie leaned in to hug the shorter woman, who froze in place for a second before bringing her arms around Maggie, hand running over the muscles and bones of Maggie's back. Maggie kissed Sydney on the cheek as she pulled away, then walked away without another word.

She wanted more than anything to go home with Sydney but it was 2 weeks until the wedding and Maggie was no one's side chick. All or nothing. When she turned at the end of the block, she looked back and saw the small forlorn figure of Sydney watching her walk away. She met Sydney's eyes, and Sydney turned, wiping at her face as she strode off into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 4, episode 15 interlude.  
> Trying to upload on an Aussie Monday night as it's my night off normally.
> 
> Please leave a review if you liked this - I find it pretty motivating. I have a very practical, logical job and this is a nice outlet for any superfluous emotions or artistic tendencies I might have, and I do find this rewarding.
> 
> Sorry about the changing order of the chapters - these pieces did not come out in chronological order.


	7. After All The Dust Has Settled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sydney breaks up with Herschel, she meets Maggie in the on-call room. Season 3, episode 17 interlude.

"Am I going to be ok?" Sydney asked, and Maggie exhaled sharply, took Sydney's hand.

"You're going to be fine," Maggie said as calmly as she could. Sydney looked away.

"Your nose just twitched," Sydney said, hanging her head, and Maggie smiled wryly. This woman knew her. Maggie ran her fingers over Sydney's knuckles, wanting to put her arm around Sydney but worried it might be too intimate, too much for Sydney. She wanted to comfort her mentor, not seduce her.

"It never bothered you, did it? This is such a big deal for me, and you took it in stride like it didn't even matter that I was a woman." Sydney sounded a little bitter, like she was jealous that Maggie hadn't had the burden of sexuality and religion and a broken engagement pressing down on her. And Maggie conceded that it would suck, all of that pressure and uncertainty. But it hadn't mattered to her that Sydney was a woman; Sydney was someone whose morals aligned with her own, whose demeanour had pleased her, whose passion had intrigued her. Even that morning, when Sydney had cryptically thanked and complimented her, Maggie had still been smiling when she walked into Herschel's room. And to hear that Sydney had thought enough of Maggie to share all the small habits Sydney had apparently been taking note of with her fiance, to be treated like a rockstar on meeting him, it only made her melt more, only made her want to hold the other doctor more. Maggie knew how hard it had been for Sydney to come out to just Maggie; just Maggie who she'd already kissed and had been hinting for weeks that there was something behind it. To come out the man she was going to marry, to have that reaction from him - a little hypocritical, Maggie thought, because bacon was mentioned in the Torah twice as many times as male homosexuality and the fact that Maggie was angry enough to have done the research so she could put him in his place once she made sure Sydney was going to be fine was telling on her part.

And then Sydney had told Maggie that she wasn't going to live a lie, that she was coming out to her community, fully aware of the consequences, fully aware that Herschel's reaction might be the most mild she would encounter. It was incredibly brave, and Maggie wasn't sure what she would have done in Sydney's position. 

"It mattered, sure. But no, it didn't bother me. You're someone I was attracted to..." She paused, and instead of saying 'am attracted to', instead said "and the anatomical differences seemed arbitrary."

When Maggie chanced another look at Sydney, she looked broken. Sydney looked so small and fragile. Maggie knew there was the strong possibility that Sydney's orthodox family might disown her, throw her out of the community, set Shiva for her, pretend she was dead. Maggie gave in, let go of Sydney's hand and slipped her right arm over Sydney's shoulder. Sydney crumbled into Maggie, buried her hands in the lapels of Maggie's white coat and her face in Maggie's chest.

"I can be your friend," Maggie said, nearly following it up with a 'for now' but leaving it because she didn't want to pressure Sydney into something she perhaps didn't want. Maggie knew she'd been an affair of convenience, but she'd also hoped for more. "I'll be here. Whatever you need," Maggie said quietly. Sydney nodded against Maggie's chest, tears soaking through Maggie's scrub top, small hands moving from Maggie's lapel down to her waist, where her fingers dug in between Maggie's ribs. Maggie brought her other arm up, rubbed Sydney's back, held her close.

Sydney had to have known for a long time that she was gay - she'd admitted to a crush on Neshama - and never, ever acted on it until Maggie. Unless she was so desperate with her impending engagement looming – but she kissed Maggie before she was engaged, so it wasn't a last Hurrah, there was no rush before she committed herself. It had to be based on something real, Maggie thought, thinking back to earlier that day when Sydney had thanked her for nothing, the look on the redhead's face adoring as she'd looked at Maggie, who shifted her gaze to firmly fix on her phone, unable to process the affection professionally. And the fact that Sydney apparently spent all her time with Herschel extolling Maggie, it had to mean something. It had to mean Sydney felt something for Maggie. She was walking away from a wedding with barely a week to spare - and sure, it was because Sydney was gay, but she'd never... in 28 years, she'd never kissed another woman until Maggie. She'd been able to pretend until Maggie. And Maggie hoped that meant something.

Despite telling Maggie that what she was going through was nothing to do with Maggie shortly before jumping her in the on-call room a half an hour later, Maggie suspected otherwise. It all added up. But if Sydney wasn't ready to admit that – she'd already admitted so much, so much more than Maggie had expected from her - then Maggie wasn't going to press her. She wasn't going to tell the tiny redhead in her arms that she'd unexpectedly fallen for her. She didn't want to make Sydney's life any more difficult. Maybe, after Sydney came out, after she knew where she stood with her family and the orthodox community, after she was ok with being gay Maggie would tell her.

But for now Maggie held the weeping doctor, wiped Sydney's face gently with her fingertips when she ran out of tears, laid her gently on the bunk and watched her fall into an exhausted sleep as she held her hand. She removed Sydney's glasses and brushed the hair from Sydney's face, kissed the temple of the woman she hadn't tried very hard not to fall for. She sat on the bunk, watching Sydney sleep.

\-----

When Sydney woke to Maggie's phone buzzing, Sydney's hand was still in Maggie's as Maggie excused herself to go to the OR. Sydney retrieved her glasses, watched as the taller doctor walked away, paused at the door, looked back at Sydney with a tightened mouth. Maggie stepped back toward the bed, squatted next to Sydney, looked her in the eyes as she rested a hand on Sydney's face.

"You're going to be fine," Maggie told Sydney, with assurance in her voice this time. Sydney's gaze slipped down to Maggie's nose, but there was no betraying movement. Sydney nodded, and Maggie leaned in to press her lips firmly against Sydney's. "Just fine," she said, pulling away but still very close.

"Thank you, Maggie," Sydney said quietly, hand briefly cradling Maggie's face before Maggie stood and turned for the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As previously mentioned, I love this ship.  
> Developing some more cannonesque interludes.  
> I'll be editing previously posted chapters here and there; some of the parts I'm writing now fit in those pieces rather than the ones they're in now.  
> These are weird to write because you never really know what Sydney is thinking, wheras Maggie wears her emotions on her face. They never really talk about it between instances; you can tell how much in unsaid between them, and that makes extrapolation difficult without breaking cannon.  
> Let me know what you think.


	8. Three women and a baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Maggie saves Alex's baby and Sydney saves Maggie's exams, Alex starts noticing the way Maggie and Sydney look at each other, and Sydney makes a choice.

After the baby is weighed, and Alex has delivered the placenta, Sydney - despite her earlier claim of not caring so much once the babies were born - cooed pretty convincingly to the tiny Reid in her arms as she held him like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Maggie's been in Alex's heart – and today, her vagina – but she's never looked at Alex the way she looks at Sydney as she cradles Alex's newborn. Maggie looked at the baby like he is precious – but she looked at Sydney as though she was the most precious thing in the world.

The mood was somber with the loss of Joel, but Maggie watched Sydney's every move hungrily. Alex suspects that if Maggie wasn't determined to stay with Alex for support, Maggie would follow Sydney from Alex's room into Sydney's office and bend her backwards over her desk. And Alex hasn't seen this before – she hadn't paid much attention to Sydney as anything other than an obstetrician, or Maggie's stories – only about work, somehow missing the wistful look on Maggie's face during the retelling. The look on Maggie's face now - Alex had never seen before - a look never focused on Joel or Gavin.

When Sydney handed Maggie the baby, the backs of her hands careful against Maggie's chest with a certain familiarity with being this close to her - Sydney excused herself, and Maggie was so caught up in the baby that she doesn't see what Alex sees; she doesn't see Sydney turn at the door, learning on it with her fingers curled on the frame, watching Maggie with an intense, longing gaze before biting her lip, turning and walking away.

And it clicked for Alex, why Maggie hadn't dated all year, since Gavin. It clicked, the quiet, thoughtful look on Maggie's face for most of the year. Alex looked at Maggie; Maggie hadn't said anything to Alex about this, and Alex suspects it's out of respect for the Orthodox doctor's privacy, but she knows, in that moment, that Maggie has been considering Sydney, and from the look Sydney just gave Maggie it's reciprocated.

Alex watched Maggie rock her baby. Alex had never seen Maggie look at anyone like that, and while it's a surprise, it's not unpleasant or unwelcome. Just new information. Maggie looks good holding a baby, and Alex can't get enough of looking at her sweet, sweet baby that Maggie bought into the world after losing her own. If Maggie had carried to term, she might not have been there for Alex, she might not have met Sydney, might be playing out a charade with Gavin until returning for work – and meeting Sydney. Because this seems destined, this seems… logical. Even if Maggie had never expressed interest in women before, had never mentioned this thing with Sydney with Alex, Alex thinks this makes sense. Maggie is calm and practical, and Sydney is fierce, passionate and balanced. They match, and Maggie seems able to overlook gender – or perhaps it's because Sydney is a woman that this works.

Alex thinks that something must have happened between them, something must have been said or done because Maggie is practical and doesn't chase ghosts. She'll chase the past, but she won't waste time on what-ifs.

And Joel is dead, dead, dead, body blown to bits from what Maggie said, so this is a welcome distraction. The baby might be his, Joel might live on in her child, but for now Alex is happy to distract herself with this new information.

When she's alone, she'll think about Joel, about the good years – and the bad, and why it would never have worked between them, and how terrible a father he would have been in terms of commitment, and how great he would have been at holding Luke. Not as good as Maggie, who has quieted his fussing and rocked him to sleep. Maggie looks up, a little teary still, and Alex remembers that Maggie used to date Joel too, that she's lost an ex as well.

But they both passed the boards, they're both full doctors now, and they both have someone who looks at them like they're made of magic.

Sydney had somehow won Maggie the chance to pass the boards that Alex had nearly cost her – although Alex knows that both her baby and her might not have survived without Maggie, can't fault her choice, is incredibly grateful – Alex had missed the way Sydney was willing to go to the wall for Maggie. It makes sense now, that Sydney would make that effort for her resident.

\-----

Sydney turned at the door, drank in the sight of a still-crying Maggie holding her best friend's – and maybe her ex-boyfriend's – baby. She commits the moment to memory, knowing that this is her last week and she should tell Maggie she's leaving – but not willing to step back into the grief, not willing to face Maggie's questions. Maggie asks the most pointed questions that make Sydney question herself, and Sydney is already questioning herself. She can't leave if Maggie asks her to stay. She can't lie if Maggie asks if she feels something for her – and she does, she really does. She had a crush on Neshama, but she's fallen for Maggie. She's never felt anything this real, this real and terrifying.

Sydney is scared, so she's running. She knows that, she's acknowledged that, but she doesn't want Maggie to know, to ask. Once she admits to Maggie how deeply she feels, she can't turn back, she can't take it back, and for whatever reason Maggie had to kiss her back, to take her to bed, to tenderly make love to her in the on-call room, Sydney knows it wasn't the same reason Sydney had had to kiss Maggie, it wasn't because Maggie felt anything for her. Sydney had somehow seduced Maggie, but it would never last. Maggie was everything Sydney wanted in a woman – except gay. And Sydney couldn't live with that, couldn't work alongside her without wanting more. Better to remove herself from temptation.

\-----

Maggie finally invited herself into Sydney's office a few days later, the way she used to invite herself into Gavin's, the way she invited herself into Dr Dey's.

Sydney looked up from her computer, smiled as Maggie lay down on the couch, exhaustion in her features. Maggie shifted positions a few times, then sat up, disgusted.

"I swear, all you staff surgeons get these lumpy things from the same place."

"That was Dr Kalfas'," Sydney said, smiling again as Maggie stood up suddenly, face scrunching in more disgust. "I had it laundered," she said lamely, apologetically. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Yes, you," Maggie wanted to say, but settled for "Does it get any easier?" She'd lost a fetus that afternoon, had been in surgery since, not sure how to deal with it, how to get over the tiny limbs curled around a still body.

"Not really. You don't feel it any less, each time." Sydney had been following Maggie's surgeries even though Maggie didn't really answer to her anymore, just to check in and congratulate Maggie on her successes – and be prepared for a moment exactly like this.

"Great," Maggie muttered as she threw herself back on the couch. She rested her head in her hands, running her thumbs over her temples.

And it was then that Sydney knew that she'd made the right decision. Maggie would keep coming in with her friendship, and Sydney would wait, anticipating a sign that it wasn't just friendship that would never come. Maggie would never storm in here, slam the door behind her, pull Sydney to her feet, kiss her thoroughly, push her backwards onto her desk, hands on Sydney's hips as she stepped between her legs, tugging the flimsy scrub top over Sydney's head, busy mouth peppering Sydney's face and chest with kisses. Maggie would never come in here and perch on the corner of the desk next to the computer, stop Sydney's hand on the mouse and bring it to her mouth to kiss Sydney's palm. Maggie would never come in and want her, want anything more.

Sydney has to leave, because Maggie would never do those things, even though she was a surgical fellow and not her resident. The position didn't make a difference, because Maggie didn't feel the same.

Sydney stood up, stretched, stepped out from behind her desk.

"I'm going home," she said, exhaustion in her voice. "If I knew a way to make it better, I would let you know." Maggie stood up too, and Sydney stepped into her. Sydney hugged Maggie under the guise of making her feel better after a hard day.

And this is the hug Sydney was looking for last time. There was no awkwardness this time. This was the soft, warm, comfortable and comforting hug she'd been looking for last time. This hug was soft breasts pressed against her own, Maggie's breathing soft and calm in her hair, soft hands aimlessly wandering her back.

"Thank you, Maggie," Sydney mumbled into Maggie's neck. "Thank you for setting me free." Sydney remembered the way Maggie's half-naked body had moved against her once, compared it to the way it felt fully-dressed pressed against her. Maggie hummed as she moved her hands up to run through Sydney's hair.

"You did that yourself. I'm so, so proud of you." This was dangerous territory now, and Sydney was going to pack up her office tomorrow so she had nothing to lose. Sydney stepped back and looked at Maggie, still in a loose embrace.

If Sydney kissed Maggie again, Sydney didn't think she would be able to walk away. Because right now she knew, with great certainty, that Maggie would kiss her back, and Sydney would be filled with hope again. And it was hopeless, and the longer this dragged out the more torn Sydney would be, the more it would hurt when Maggie finally set the record straight, so to speak. 

They looked at each other awkwardly, Sydney still weighing her odds. Slowly she leaned in and kissed Maggie on the cheek, letting her lips linger as Maggie cradled her head.

Sydney stepped back. "Goodnight, Dr Lin." Sydney said, instead of goodbye. Maggie won't be here when Sydney clears out her office, and Sydney can't bear to tell her goodbye. She'll email Maggie a glowing reference to assuage her guilt, but she can't say goodbye.

Sydney walked away without looking back.

\-----

Maggie got a free pass, because of Sydney.

And it was another 12 months and an explosion before she saw her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 3, episode 18 interlude.
> 
> I had an alternate ending where Sydney let Maggie know that she was leaving – but then it makes Sydney saying 'Goodbye's aren't really my thing…" in Season 4 episode 12 not fit… so this is the 3rd draft.
> 
> Loosely related to the other fics cross-posted to fanfiction.net. All of which are being updated and undergoing editing, because goddammit, I should have written this in order or waited until it was done before posting. This has become a bit of a compulsion to complete; my work isn't suffering but I fear it will so I am hurrying.
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts etc.


	9. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 4, episode 10 interlude.

"Stay." Maggie's said. It wasn't a question, but there was still some uncertainty as to whether Sydney would acquiesce. Sydney wouldn't meet Maggie's eyes, just stared down at their joined hands, breath hitched at the simple request, the simple contact of Maggie's familiar hand in hers after so long. It took a moment before Sydney looked up, shifted her weight to lean against the bed, and Maggie smiled. Maggie was cold, quite cold, as Sydney had found out when she touched her, but she'd put up with anything to have Sydney by her side for even a minute longer. Sydney caught her breath and smiled at Maggie's eyebrow quirk. She'd hesitated at the door, unsure if she'd be welcome here after running away, but the smile on Maggie's face had reassured her.

Sydney found herself staring down at that hand holding hers, a hand that had once done so much more. Her thumb grazed over Maggie's cold knuckles.

"You're still cold," Sydney remarked. Maggie sighed and reached for the call button. A nurse walked in after a few minutes of silence, Maggie still drinking in the sight of the shorter doctor.

"Warmed blankets, and turn the AC down please." Sydney said, not looking away from Maggie at the soft foot-falls entering, then exiting the room.

Sydney never was much for small talk, and Maggie was struggling to stay awake, to shrug off an insistent pounding in her skull. When the nurse came back, it was a welcome distraction.

Sydney took the blankets, revelled in their warmth, before tucking one under the existing blanket and the other over the top. Maggie stared down at her vacated hand, willing Sydney to take it once she was done. Sydney slipped her hand back into Maggie's, thumb slipping back into its previous path over Maggie's knuckles.

"Better?" Sydney asked.

"Much. Thanks." Maggie stared at Sydney, someone she used to know so well, but between the familiar face now so open and sightly foreign without the glasses and the hint of cleavage in the surprisingly unbuttoned shirt, Maggie isn't sure she knows this woman. She's lighter, brighter and even more gorgeous than Maggie had remembered. She seemed happier, freer, if a little worried.

"You ghosted me. " Maggie said, matter-of-factly.

"I put you in for a staff position," Sydney started apologetically, but was cut off.

"In Cleveland. While you stayed in Toronto, in some other hospital. Sydney…" Maggie paused, uncertain of how to continue, of how much to reveal.

"I haven't been fair to you," Sydney realised suddenly. "I should have at least told you I was leaving."

"Would have been nice to know," Maggie said, humming a little as her eyes started to drift shut. She blinked repeatedly, trying to focus on Sydney.

"It's OK, you need to rest. I'll be here." Sydney smiled down at Maggie, wanting to talk but not knowing what to say. Wanting to be with Maggie without the barrier of apologies and stilted small talk.

"You'll be here when I wake up?" Maggie asked, eyes already shut, looking so small and fragile in the big hospital bed, covered in tubes.

"I'll be here." Sydney said, pulling a chair up next to the bed with her free hand. Maggie's eyes opened and she tugged Sydney back up by the hand when she tried to sit down.

"Then come here." Maggie shifted sideways in the bed before Sydney could stop her or help her. Sydney reached over and helped Maggie settle more comfortably. She paused, just looking at Maggie, one hand on her hip, the other on her shoulder.

"What are you waiting for?" Maggie asked softly. Sydney's face was closed with consideration. There was something she wasn't saying.

"An invitation," Sydney said, smiling finally. Maggie smiled back, patting the bedside her.

"Get in here, Katz."

It took some coordination between the height of the bed and Sydney's short stature, but she hauled herself up beside Maggie. Maggie lifted the blanket, and Sydney maneuvered herself underneath it.

"You're still cold," Sydney said, half accusatory. She rolled onto her side so a large portion of her body was pressed against her cold... friend? Ex? She carefully pulled an arm over Maggie's stomach, feeling the sharp exhale filter through her hair. Sydney rubbed gently, trying to warm Maggie, trying to ignore the insistent beeps from Maggie's heart-rate monitor - now considerably faster - trying to ignore her own speeding heart.

"Stay." Maggie asked. "Just till I wake up." She's already asked, and Sydney had to wonder about the effects of the brain injury. Or maybe… maybe it's a sign that Maggie needs her as much as Sydney needs Maggie. Sydney shook her head. It could be a sign that Maggie knows she needs to ask, that people in her life perhaps haven't been around enough. And it makes Sydney sad to think she may have contributed to that.

"I'll be here." Sydney said with certainty. Maggie needed her now, and Maggie has never let her down; not for anything important or personal. And Sydney has done nothing but advance and retreat, advance and retreat like some sycophantic polka. Maggie shouldn't want her here, not after everything Sydney did and didn't do to her. While Sydney was processing, she didn't notice that Maggie actually... liked her. That perhaps her efforts to get Sydney to come out weren't just in support of Sydney, but out of an expectation. Sydney had told Maggie that her being gay had nothing to do with Maggie, but it had so much to do with Maggie, and Maggie wasn't stupid. Maggie knew this was about her, and some of that pushing from Maggie, Sydney could see now, was Maggie waiting for Sydney. So they could, maybe... 

"Unless... Shelby. If you need to go to her.…" Maggie trailed off, always putting the job first and herself last.

"Charlie's her surgeon, and Bishop. They can handle her without me for a night." Sydney said with assurance, relishing when Maggie's arm slid under her torso to settle on her waist, completing the embrace.

"But if she needs you…" Maggie said, hand lazily rubbing Sydney's back.

"They'll know where to find me. And if they do, I'll wake you up, before I go. I won't leave you without letting you know. I'll let you see me off. I'll be here when you wake up, even if I have to wake you up myself."

Maggie's other hand came up to Sydney's face, stopped short, hovered a moment before resting on Sydney's cheek.

"Thank you," Maggie said finally. And Sydney flinched. Staying was literally the least she could do, and it felt like barely a dent in the debt she owed Maggie. Maggie closed her eyes, just for a moment, and Sydney watched her sleep, watched over her for a few hours, smiling quietly at the trail of people coming in to check on Maggie every so often. Finally Sydney shut down her phone and rested her head on Maggie's chest, lulled to sleep by the rhythm of Maggie's breaths, Maggie's heart beneath her head pounding out an all but forgotten lullaby.

\-----

When Alex came back to check on Maggie, she found Maggie awake, watching Sydney sleep, hand caressing Sydney's back. The sleepy embrace wasn't a surprise to Alex; she'd been checking in every hour.

"How's the head?" Alex asked, checking Maggie's pupils. She cradled Maggie's face longer than necessary, stroked her cheek with her thumb before stepping back to update Maggie's chart.

"Sore," Maggie said, turning back to watch Sydney's sleeping face. Alex handed Maggie some pills, some water. Maggie took them, hand resettling on Sydney's shoulder as soon as it could.

"So she does care," Maggie said quietly. "Enough to stay." Alex sighed. This was the first time they were talking about it; Alex had picked up on the tension between them only shortly before Sydney had left - presumably because of Maggie - had they fought? If so, why had Sydney put her career on the line to give Maggie a second chance at the boards? It seemed more likely that the formerly Orthodox doctor was scared and confused, but Alex had seen Sydney watching Maggie once, when she didn't know Alex was looking, and Alex thought Maggie deserved someone who looked at her like that. And Maggie had looked at Sydney the same way, but she'd never said anything to Alex. Never mentioned that she might have an attraction to women - or rather, Alex thought, watching the way Maggie was carefully holding the other doctor, hand rubbing lazy circles over her back - just this one woman. Alex thinks it had more to do with Maggie's respect for Sydney's privacy than it did with her not wanting to talk to Alex about it. And now they were talking about it - finally, a year later.

"And then some. Maggie, she was distraught. She was there when you coded and I thought... " Maggie tore her gaze away from Sydney with some difficulty.

"You drilled my head open." Maggie said in wonder. Alex shrugged.

"And she held your hand. Once I had you bandaged. She was there the whole time. She was talking to you the whole time. It was obvious, not just to me but to everyone here today, how worried she was, how much she feels for you, Mags."

"Alex, she's never said…" Maggie trailed off and finally looked at Alex, eyes filled with as much pain as Alex had seen in them after her miscarriage. Alex sighed.

"She doesn't need to. Have you seen the way she looks at you?" Alex said, not remembering that Maggie was unconscious for most of the time Sydney had been there that day.

"She never asked me. She never seriously considered me as a partner. Maybe she's right. I never even thought about it, until her. But now I don't know who I am without her, Alex."

Alex sighed, she was on Maggie's side, always, but she hadn't seen this coming, would never have imagined, or guessed even now, how deep Maggie's feelings were for the other woman. There were no signs, no indications that Maggie had any gay tendencies before Sydney, yet here she was, carefully smoothing Sydney's hair out of her face so she could kiss her on the temple, fingers trailing tenderly over delicate cheekbones. Even in her sleep, Sydney smiled and cuddled closer to Maggie.

"You're Maggie Lin, OB/GYN extraordinaire, and my best friend." Alex said, putting her hand over Maggie's on Sydney's shoulder. Maggie's hand turned to grasp Alex's.

"I'm not sure that's enough, any more," Maggie said seriously, and when her eyes met Alex's, Alex recognised the lost look in them.

"Give it time Maggie, you'll figure it out." Alex said hopefully, squeezing Maggie's hand. Maggie nodded, still cradling Sydney. Her eyes drifted closed and her hand fell from Alex's, falling back on Sydney's back, steadfast even in sleep.

Alex stayed just long enough to convince herself that Maggie was only sleeping, was not in any immediate danger before going back to the on-call room for another hour-long nap, when she'd come back and check on Maggie again.

\-----

Sydney woke up to Alex hovering over Maggie, checking her vitals again. Alex had almost lost Maggie twice in one day without even knowing it; once when Maggie went to look for the clotting agents, and once with the brain bleed. She wasn't taking any chances. When Alex noticed Sydney was awake she smiled dryly at her, then continued her checks.

"I've heard the rumours. You're leaving. Again." Alex stated. Sydney sighed.

"I have to. She's not... like me. She doesn't... " Sydney trailed off, looked at Alex, a little lost.

"I think you'll find she does. She's been incomplete since you left. Kind of lost." Alex watched Sydney's face became a mask of guilt.

"I have a job lined up, an apartment. It's all arranged," Sydney said tentatively.

"So was your marriage," Alex said bluntly. Sydney looked away and nodded. Raised a hand to Maggie's face, gently, so gentle Alex could nearly feel it herself. And it took her by surprise. Alex knew Sydney cared for Maggie, but this was so raw, so surprisingly frank and intimate. Whatever reason Sydney had to leave, it had to be more important than the tenderness Alex could feel seeping from her. And Sydney's face was filled with such concern, such love and longing that Alex could see why Maggie had fallen for the smaller, very female doctor; if that look had been directed at her she might have wavered too.

"I have to go. She doesn't need me," Sydney said with some uncertainty.

"She asked you to stay. Not me, not Zack. You."

"And I'm here." Sydney turned a blank face to Alex, and she knew she'd pushed too far. Sydney turned back to Maggie. "She's so talented. And beautiful," Sydney said, tracing the lines of Maggie's face. "Take care of her, won't you?" Sydney asked.

"Always," Alex said, not adding that she'll always take care of Maggie; not for Sydney, and not because Sydney asked. But she knew, deep down, that she hadn't been doing such a good job lately. She'd seen the look that haunted Maggie's face since Sydney left, knew she could have her around for dinner more often, knew she could say yes to Maggie more often. 

"You really do love her, don't you?" Alex asked, repeating herself. It took Sydney a few moments to tear her gaze away from Maggie's face.

"Always," Sydney said, meeting Alex's eyes. This time Alex looked away first, acknowledging the honesty she could feel in that gaze.

Alex nodded, stepped forward to check Maggie's vitals again, patted Sydney's shoulder gently and excused herself. Sydney propped herself on an elbow and watched Maggie sleep, her hand occasionally brushing over Maggie's face, memorizing the features with her fingers, stealing the quiet moments to store away for future moments when Maggie wasn't pressed against her, relaxed in sleep and so, so preciously fragile. She pressed a soft kiss to Maggie's cheek, and another to her sleeping lips before she let her head rest on Maggie's chest - her new favourite pillow - breathed in deeply the comforting scent of Maggie, and went back to sleep.

\-----

When Maggie woke again, Sydney was still there. Sydney's phone was still on the side table, still turned off. Sydney's forehead was pressed against Maggie's cheek, Sydney's cheek encroaching on Maggie's breast. Maggie raised the hand that wasn't attached to an arm full of tubes, ran her fingers gently against Sydney's temple and into the soft red hair. Her head hurt, but she didn't reach for the call button. She inhaled the smell of the hair beneath her nose and wished that the moment would never end.

There was a difference between the angular, fast-talking Sydney that Maggie met and slowly fell for, and this relaxed, calm, soft Sydney that Maggie was still falling for. Maggie continued to slowly run her fingers through Sydney's hair as she slept, and Sydney, still asleep, squeezed Maggie tighter, hummed against Maggie's chest. Sydney woke slowly, and Maggie stashed that knowledge away like a hoarder with a tiny morsel of gold. Sydney was also adorable upon waking, lifting her head with confused eyes finally focusing on Maggie's face, a genuine smile spreading across her face at the sight of Maggie.

"How you feeling?" Sydney asked, and Maggie smiled.

"Warm. Warm and..." Maggie paused before she said the word 'loved', but she felt it in a way she hadn't felt before. "Safe," she finished instead. Sydney hummed in response, nodded and lifted her head a little higher.

Maggie's hand filtered through Sydney's hair before she cupped Sydney's face. Maggie leaned in.

Sydney stopped her.

"Maggie," Sydney said slowly. "I'm moving to Tel Aviv. I can't.. I can't. Not when I'm... leaving."

"Oh," said Maggie, leaning back, resting her head on the pillow again, her hand still cupping Sydney's face. She slipped her index finger under Sydney's ear, let her thumb run over Sydney's cheek, straying dangerously close to Sydney's mouth.

"But you were here. You stayed," Maggie said, smiling sadly. Sydney smiled back.

"Just a scratch on the surface of things I would do for you. Maggie, I was so worried."

Maggie's face lifted, then dropped. "I can't ask you to stay, can I?"

"I wish I could. But I'm here now," and with that Sydney dropped her head back on to Maggie's chest, hand slipping across Maggie's waist to rub gently across Maggie's ribs, the accelerated beeping of her heart-rate monitor betraying Maggie and giving Sydney pause. Some of Maggie's friends came in then, bearing coffee and painkillers, and Maggie fully expected Sydney to slink away, frightened off by the possibility of people knowing there was something between them.

But she stayed, wrapped around the taller doctor, her former student, the woman she loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the Sydney and Maggie storyline, and if it must end on Maggie's puppydog face watching Sydney walk away, there can at least be an interlude. Please let me know how you feel about a) this b) Lintz.
> 
> As for the chapter order... I update the publishing date for new chapters, and I don't really know where else to put that information? I felt like my disclaimer was pretty clear, and this is the order they came out. This is the latest update, and it's chapter 8 of 10. The next one will be in order as well.
> 
> It was either that or not publish anything here...
> 
> Feeling like I should probably just delete the whole thing, and post it all when it's finished tbh, but that could take months.


	10. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sydney has a long list of almosts.

Sydney had almost asked Maggie to be with her, to go out with her, to give this a shot after she got her through the boards exam, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to Maggie - even if she had no real hang-ups around the thing between them, Maggie wasn’t gay; not really. She’d been flattered or her interest had been piqued or something. Sydney was an anomaly amongst Maggie’s dating profile, and Sydney couldn’t bear not having Maggie the way that she needed to have her. Sydney couldn’t have Maggie as a friend, couldn’t live in the same city as her without wanting to be with her, without wanting her. So Sydney had taken another staff job at another hospital, had walked away from Hope Zion, but she’d never stopped thinking about Maggie, found herself staring at her phone while she made dinner, wondering if she could call Maggie and invite her around without making a fool of herself. And she was sure she couldn’t so she didn’t. When the job in Israel had come along, Sydney had jumped at it. This city was filled with Maggie, with the temptation of the same timezone and zip codes, with the knowledge that she could go to Hope Zion at any time and drink in the sight of Maggie and ask her the question she desperately wanted to ask: did it mean to you what it meant to me. Do I mean to you what you mean to me? 

Life was more bearable if she didn’t ask, Sydney told herself, and for months she could pretend that if she’d asked Maggie wouldn’t have said yes. 

She could pretend that she’d done the right thing. 

She could pretend that it would have ended this way anyway, and that she was just saving herself the heartbreak of chasing a straight woman. 

And it had become ever so apparent, over the course of the day, that she was ever so wrong. 

Sydney was taken aback when Maggie had referred to her as an ex-girlfriend. But Maggie was right; they were never really just friends either. There had always been something between them – Sydney had taken for granted that the way she had felt had been one-sided but it was becoming more evident that she had been wrong. 

She’d thought she’d been alone in this, not realizing the truth until so long after she had pushed away. But waking up with Maggie’s soft hand in her hair the other morning – someone in the ICU who’d been through an explosion and two surgeries tending to her so carefully… Sydney couldn’t pretend any more. 

And to have deserted Maggie the first time now felt heartless and cruel, rather than the only logical solution available to a problem she could see now never really existed. Even with the fallout from her family, her community, she knows now that Maggie would have been by her side, never pushing, but willing to step up. 

And today Maggie had been pushing, testing Sydney until she’d had to bring up her sort-of-girlfriend in Tel Aviv to shut her down. They’d met online, only spoken online and Sydney was hoping this spark she’d felt immediately for Maggie would emerge with this beautiful gay Jewish woman too - eventually. 

But with Maggie shadowing her all day, always at her shoulder, elbows brushing in the halls the way they used to… Sydney wondered if her job in an illustrious hospital in Israel was worth turning away again from the warm body so close to her own, a body she could remember being so much closer to. Sydney has never been comfortable being this close to anyone else, and she can’t help but wonder if Hannah will be as understanding of her boundaries as Maggie has consistently been. 

\-----

Sydney shucked off her white coat in the on-call room, left it in the locker that used to be hers. She changed out of her scrubs back into her street clothes, tucking her scrubs into Maggie’s locker, trusting her former resident to turn them in to be washed. On second thought, she moved her white coat in with Maggie’s stuff as well, pausing as she knocked a book onto the floor. She picked it up, tried to smooth the smattering of clothing on the bottom of the locker out of the way, noting vaguely that the book was a translation of the Torah. She moved some cloth, some tiger-print lace that made her blush, and… 

A blue scrub cap. 

That had once taken the place of a yarmulke. 

It might not be the same one – it had been over a year – but when Sydney raised it to her nose it smelled like the apple-scented conditioner Sydney used. Maggie had kept it, all this time. 

And Sydney wasn’t snooping – she really wasn’t – but there was a slip of paper in the book with her own handwriting – just a scrawled note she had left on her desk for Maggie to meet her on the ward – but she had signed it Syd, which was as informal as she got, and it was wedged in the book of Leviticus. 

Sydney rolled her scrubs in the white coat, shoved it in the locker, tried to make it look like she’d thrown it on top without disturbing everything. Then she went to the desk, tore off some paper, tapped a pen against her mouth. 

‘I’ll miss you. You’re a great doctor and I’m happy to supply a reference. Just email me,’ She wrote finally. ‘I ran out of time to dump my scrubs – can you please take care of it for me? Thank you.’ And she paused, before carefully and slowly signing off with a ‘Love, Syd.’ 

She put the note on top of the coat, fingers itching to take the scrap of lace she’d seen earlier with her. Instead she took a smiley face post-it from the door, shut the locker. 

She patted the bunk where so many things had changed and headed for the door. 

Maggie stepped into the doorway, careful eyes watching, arms crossed as she leaned against the frame. 

“Maggie…” Sydney started, wondering how much she’d seen. 

“Leaving so soon?” Maggie asked with that edge to her voice that had been there all day. Sydney could recognize it now – it was hurt, hurt that Sydney was leaving again, hurt that Sydney had left before without telling her. “Let me see you out?” She asked, a lot lighter, trying to sound casual but her voice caught – not that anyone but Sydney would have noticed. Sydney nodded and stepped toward Maggie, who pushed away from the frame, fell into step beside Sydney, matching her pace the way she always did despite the height difference, arms brushing together the way they used to. There was a rhythm to their walk, one Sydney couldn’t recreate with anyone else even if she wanted to. Walking this close typically ended in bumping into each other, but not only did Maggie accommodate Sydney’s pace, she accommodated her space. Sydney tried to lighten the mood a little, tried to pass off her lack of a previous goodbye as a bad habit, then, when Maggie called her on it with a ‘tell me something I don’t know’, she thought about how honest and open Maggie had been with her all day and decided to meet her halfway and be honest. 

“You’re the only almost I ever think about. And I do think about you, Maggie,” Sydney told Maggie seriously, and the tension in Maggie’s face dissipated. 

Sydney had time to move away when Maggie leaned in, had time to dodge but she was spellbound by Maggie’s face, so close to her own. And she remembered those lips, those soft, sweet lips, that small hand in her hair, nuzzling her ear, cupping her cheek. 

“I owed you one,” Maggie said with a cheeky smile when she pulled away, and Sydney could only smile back a little sadly. She had a position in a prestigious hospital, and a plane to catch, and a woman waiting for her but she felt like she couldn’t have left without this one last grand gesture – one that she couldn’t make because of the aforementioned woman. She walked away, turning with her hand on the door, half expecting Maggie to have walked away already – but she was standing where she had been, hands in pockets, forlorn look on her face. Sydney nearly paused, but she turned away again. If you don’t know what you’re living for, you haven’t lived yet.

\-----

Sydney could pretend now, in her little cocoon on the plane, feet tucked under her, blanket curled around her, that if Sydney had stopped in her office on her last day and changed her mind, had asked Maggie, Maggie would have said yes, would have kissed her with the passion she had just one other time, face splitting into the smile she only seemed to grace Sydney with. She could pretend that they would have dated, would have moved in together, would have had children together - when Sydney knew that at the time all she could imagine was that even if Maggie had said yes, she would have gotten bored with Sydney, would inevitably leave her for a man. Or, another of Sydney’s most replayed imaginings, Maggie would have just laughed and called it an experiment with curiousities satisfied. 

it was better this way, Sydney told herself. It was better to leave on good terms with one last kiss than to have gambled in her previous, fragile state. Maggie could have shattered her back then with just one word – and despite all her plans, despite all her self-preservation – she felt shattered nonetheless. It was still worth the risk, because this was an ‘all my preconceived notions were completely wrong’ shattered, not a ‘the only person I’ve ever loved has rejected me after I broke up with my fiancé and outed myself to my family’ shattered. Which sounds more bearable when Sydney says it to herself, over and over, eyes closed tight as she held herself through a very long flight. 

If Maggie wasn’t into Sydney the way Sydney was into Maggie, she wouldn’t have referred to Sydney as an ex-girlfriend – they’d slept together once, still Sydney’s only time, and had dinner once with a third wheel. That didn’t rate as girlfriend. And it felt like Maggie, the whole day, had been trying to say something without actually saying it – saying she was still here, questioning Sydney’s move – Sydney had seen the crushed look on Maggie’s face when Sydney mentioned her girlfriend.

So in the lobby, when it was absolutely clear that Maggie would not let Sydney leave without a goodbye, when Maggie said Sydney’s girlfriend was lucky, hinting that there might be something for Sydney to stay for, the way she had been all day - Sydney was honest. 

When it was too late, she could tell Maggie she regretted that she hadn’t turned the almost into an actual. 

And that small almost-confession had prompted Maggie to step forward, to press her mouth to Sydney’s in a chaste but so, so necessary kiss, one that Sydney was still treasuring hundreds of kilometers in the sky. There is a woman waiting to pick her up at the airport, a woman who might also kiss her, and Sydney can only hope she can eclipse Maggie’s kiss. 

If she can’t then Sydney will know, for sure, that she’s made the wrong choice. Again.

When Sydney had turned at the door, and when she saw Maggie’s face, she almost turned back. 

Almost.  


She turned back to look at Maggie one last time at the door, and the look on Maggie’s face sunk her heart, and in that moment she knew she’d made the wrong choice, made a series of wrong choices that had taken her from the only woman who looked at her like the only thing that mattered to her.

Maggie might not have been completely gay, but she was pretty gay for Sydney. And she was loyal, hardworking, honest, funny and Sydney had only known her girlfriend for a few weeks but even now she knew that she would never, ever look at Sydney the way that Maggie did. She knew, even now, that she wouldn’t be able to commit to this new relationship because if she thought Maggie had haunted her before, Maggie, so small in the hospital bed, Maggie sleeping under Sydney’s head, Maggie’s heartbeat quickening when Sydney moved just her thumb across Maggie’s ribs, Maggie’s hopeful smile when she saw Sydney in her hospital room, Maggie’s broken face as Sydney waked away. Just one night and one day with the taller doctor had removed any hope Sydney had of getting over her.

Sydney was going to give her girlfriend a chance, but it probably wouldn’t be fair to either of them, not with the ghost of Maggie to measure up to. But she would stay in Israel, she would try to move on. 

It was for the best.

The movement of the plane lulled Sydney to sleep, and she woke dehydrated and disoriented in Tel Aviv, ready to start over. She carefully slid the post-it back into her purse, and prepared to disembark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 4, episode 12 interlude.
> 
> There will be more, and they will be in order from now on. Just saw the episode where Sydney comes back and oh gosh. Oh golly. So sweet. Must write.  
> Also thinking of maybe a short series of non-canon musings of if things had been different.
> 
> Oh! And apologies for the delay - flu followed up by a throat infection.
> 
> Best enjoyed with City and Colour’s “Harder than Stone” played season 3 episode 16
> 
> Someday I will walk away  
> When time ain't drawing on me like a blade  
> Back turned to the setting sun  
> Leaving behind Toronto's incessant hum  
> ‘Cause I was born and raised  
> To live beyond  
> The heft and weight  
> Of a world undone  
> Traipsing though the utter dark  
> Walking underneath the dead moonlight  
> Without any great concern  
> For what I’ve missed or how many bridges have burned  
> 


	11. A heart that only you can mend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sydney comes back for her sister - and maybe someone else.  
> Chapter 5, episode 9 interlude.

It was Sydney.

Of course Rebecca's sister was Sydney. An insistent Jewish woman with a sister pushing for her to ask for Maggie?

Of course it was Sydney.

Of course Sydney was back in Hope Zion, as small and gorgeous as Maggie remembered her. Of course she’d rushed to her sister’s aid, was soothing her pregnant sister with cancer while Maggie stood there, stunned and dazed, processing the appearance of someone she had long ago lost.

When Sydney turned and smiled, just a little, at Maggie, she melted all over again. Maggie smiled back, face scrunching in genuine pleasure. However Sydney had left it, Maggie was still pleased to see her; so much more pleased than any of those dates Zack had practically coerced her to go on. None of them had made her heart beat like this, none of them had made her smile like this, none of them had filled her heart with their presence.

The only person who ever had was Sydney. And now she was back in Hope Zion, and Maggie watched her small hands smooth over her sister’s forehead and stomach. She’d thought Sydney’s family had, for the most part, rejected her – but her sister bore her presence, bore her touch. It was a good sign.

Then Maggie had to deal with the reality of a very bad position. A choice she’d made earlier – an over-involvement with Bree, someone who had finally made her feel something in the absence of Sydney - now meant Sydney’s sister couldn’t get the treatment she came here for. And Maggie had to break the news to Sydney. Rebecca’s prognosis was not good – the survival rate for women let alone the fetus for this kind of cancer was very, very low, and even with the positive results from the gene trial it may not have helped.

Sydney was close to tears as she talked to Maggie about coming home to a family who abandoned her, and it suddenly made more sense to Maggie that Sydney took off like that – to be rejected so thoroughly by family must be something anyone would want to run away from. And the situation wasn’t helping any, Maggie watching as Sydney’s small hand rubbed anxiously on her throat, a throat Maggie could remember kissing, a hand Maggie could remember on her bare torso...

“You look good, Maggie,” Sydney said, and Maggie caught the way Sydney’s gaze dropped from her face to take her all in before she walked away, scrubbing at her face, and Maggie wished Sydney’d stayed a little longer, let Maggie's hand on the windowsill of Sydney's sister’s room creep close enough to touch her, so Maggie could have offered some comfort. Maggie dropped her arm back to her side, clenched her fist as she watched Sydney walk away again, wished she could call her back but knowing she had no right to.

\-----

When Maggie went back to Rebecca’s room to break the news about the trial, Sydney was there again. She said she got a text that her family had been delayed, and she gave Maggie a look that let her know that she was there to help Maggie tell Rebecca that the help she sought here would not be available.

Rebecca’s reaction was not surprising, given all Sydney had said. But it felt like Rebecca was more disappointed that she didn’t know her sister as well as she had thought she did, that perhaps she was grieving the image of her sister she used to have. Sydney had to be older than Rebecca – they never discussed their age, but the interaction between the siblings belies their birth order. Sydney was used to respect from Rebecca, a deference – and to not receive it was upsetting to her. Maggie wanted to put a comforting hand on Sydney’s back before she took off again, but dared not to in light of what Rebecca had said. Even as she apologised, Maggie wondered how much of that was to get Maggie to do what she needed Maggie to do.

Maggie discovered first-hand how volatile Sydney’s family was when her sister said those things to her. She stayed quiet, because it’s not about her – even though it is. Or was – Maggie’s not sure still what Sydney’s doing here, if she’ll fly back to Israel and her girlfriend at the end of the day. Maggie’s dating life has been a mess, and seeing Sydney had just... awakened all the feelings she had, still has, all the confusion of the lack of definition around their relationship, all the hurt of repeated abandonment.

So when Rebecca’s blood pressure dropped it was almost a relief to be able to focus on something else.

\------

Maggie took Rebecca into surgery, Sydney’s fluster and uncertainty surprising. Doctor Scott’s comments weren’t exactly helpful either. Having Sydney watch made it harder, but Maggie knew what she was doing, knew what this woman meant to the woman that still meant so much to her. So she made the call, and thankfully, so thankfully that Maggie shoot an almost-prayer to whatever deity, it went well.

Sydney talked to her family – her family that doesn’t love her any more – while Maggie tried to stop shaking, supervised the closing. She made her way into Rebecca’s room, where her family was waiting, and Sydney wouldn’t look at her. Her parents were on one side, Sydney on the other, a man who must be Rebecca’s husband hovering in the middle uncertainly.

Sydney hadn’t been ashamed of who she is for so long, but Maggie could feel the shame from across the room. She made the choice of where to stand easily, stepped in beside Sydney – close enough to provide support but not so close as to raise suspicion. Maggie praised the choices Sydney made that brought this result – the cancer and an ovary removed, a much better outlook for Rebecca and the baby, but Sydney’s family refused to acknowledge Sydney. They thanked Maggie for her work, and Maggie stepped out of the room to find herself shaking again – this time with anger.

That Sydney was being treated like this by her family, which seemed like a common occurrence from what Sydney said, was almost more than she could bear. Maggie told her mother about the women she’d dated – woman, rather, since she and Sydney never actually dated – and nothing had changed for her. Now her mother sent her texts about her nice Chinese friend’s daughters as well as their sons. But for Sydney, this complete disconnect must be so jarring. Maggie had taken it personally when Sydney had left, but she understood now why Sydney had said this had nothing to do with her. Maggie was just a woman that Sydney had felt something for – something more than just sexual attraction, judging by the way she popped so deliberately in and out of Maggie’s life, the look on her face when she thought Maggie wasn’t looking so tender and full of awe – but Maggie was only part of the whole. Maggie was just a detour on this life path Sydney had taken, and the amount of hurt Maggie could feel radiating from Sydney in that room was near unbearable, even for Maggie. To have that vitriol aimed at her would be incredibly damaging.

\-----

Sydney met her on the ward, pacing near Rebecca’s room. When she looked up and saw Maggie her face lit up, a smile on her face again, and Maggie’s chest hurt because for Sydney to be able to smile after all she’s been through today is immense. And the fact that the smile was again aimed at her was overwhelming. Sydney fell into step beside Maggie, and Maggie explained the treatment plan moving forward. 

There was still a lot of risks in the pregnancy and Rebecca was still not out of the woods, but Maggie had a comprehensive plan to reduce the risks and make sure Rebecca would be around to see her child grow up.

For a moment Maggie pictured Sydney holding her sister’s child, a baby girl with a shock of red hair, and her breath caught. She looked back to Sydney, took a breath.

Maggie tried to ask casually, tried to seem casual while she asked if Sydney as going to stay, if she was going back to Israel or her girlfriend, if Sydney wanted to...

Finally go on a date. Dinner. A drink. A catch up. Any way she could spend time with Sydney while she was here, because she’d started to realise how barren her life had been without her. This year had been better, for sure, but there was still a Sydney-shaped hole in her life, and Sydney was the only person who could, even briefly, for however long she was staying, fill it.

And Sydney stopped her. Told her to listen, and Maggie’s heart dropped. This would be where Sydney would say she was leaving. Or engaged, or married. This would be where Sydney ran away from Maggie again, so she let out a strangled 'k' and braced herself.

And Sydney said, cryptically.

“When I was in Israel, I thought about you... every day,”

And Maggie is nothing if not honest.

“I thought about you too,” she said quickly. Not mentioning that she’d measured everyone in her life against Sydney and they’d all come up short.

And Sydney kissed her. Maggie should have been able to read the signs by now, but she obviously can’t because she was caught by surprise again.

And nothing had changed – there is the tug from her nethers that rises at the touch of Sydney’s mouth, there are the soft, familiar, vaguely strawberry lips. Maggie glanced to the right as Sydney pulled away, noted Rebecca watching, and Sydney’s parents oblivious. Sydney’s hands dropped from Maggie's face to the lapel of her white coat, and Maggie tried to compose herself, pursed her lips, waited for Sydney to say something now that she’d finally, maybe, made a move. She’d admitted finally that Maggie meant something to her, and Maggie had played too many cards to show her hand now. She had to wait for Sydney to say something.

“I want to know if we can be something. I just need to know if you do too.” Sydney said, and Maggie, a big grown-up doctor, feels like a child who’s been caught by her crush in kiss-chasey.

Maggie smiled, inclined her head. Sydney went in to see her sister, smiled at Maggie through the door – and Maggie smiled back.

\------

Maggie checked in on Rebecca a few times during her shift and again after the end of her shift, back in her street clothes, all the family gone including Sydney. Disappeared back into the ether, probably. Another confession, another withdrawal.

Rebecca smiled sleepily, and Maggie could tell now that they were sisters, the familiarity in the smile. Maggie doesn’t check the wound since she was off-duty, instead she just sat next to Rebecca without a word, took her hand. Rebecca accepted it, obviously feeling a little overwhelmed and alone.

“Thank you,” Rebecca said, finally, sleepily.

“Of course,” Maggie said for the second time that day, because there was nothing else she could have done but her best.

“No, thank you. Sydney. She’s always been... uptight and afraid. She’s... different. Since she came here. Since she came out. Since she met you, I think. She seems... happier.”

“You saw that, huh?” Maggie asked, referring to the kiss Sydney had sprung on her.

“I heard a lot about you, years ago. I always wondered, especially after she came out. I can see what she sees in you. I didn’t understand, but I get it now. I hope she sticks around this time.”

“Me too,” Maggie said as she rubbed her thumb over Rebecca’s knuckles. “But you need your rest. How’s the pain?”

“Bearable.” Rebecca yawned, and it wasn’t not long before she fell asleep. Maggie released the hand in hers soon after, and went home, ignoring an insistent hum from a missed call in her bag. It had been a long day, and she needed a hot shower, a goat cheese pizza with anchovies, some gin and some sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this. Had a lot of day/night/day work after getting better and I'm only just breaking out of the exhaustion. My PCN does not like it when I leave it with the boys. And on top of that the gender politics of a male-dominated industry, the persistently sexist comments from the manager I refuse to answer to, the homophobic comments from people from a different culture...  
> It's like Dawn told Cassie - you can't just be as good as the men. You have to be better, have a thick skin, put up with the occasional rape threat. You have to be an exceptional woman to even compete with very mediocre men.  
> And that's why the PCN rebels in their hands. I had to work through the sick leave because it won't take to them.
> 
> On top of that I had some misconceptions around Maggie's sexuality. I have to rejig the original ending to make room for these 4 epsiodes.  
> Updated to fix the tense break.  
> It also took a while for me to watch season 5 because Australia is.... just... Straya. You know? A streaming provider copped some serious shit for epically failing over the Game of Thrones premiere because the infrastructure and their streaming services are not capable of providing low-quality let alone HD streams.


	12. I got a heart that opens clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title based on Wailin' Jennies' 'Ten Mile Stilts'  
> Season 5 episode 10 interlude.

Of all the days for Sydney to make another appearance – in scrubs no less – it had to be the day of Alex’s mother’s wake. Because there’s a pattern to this, Maggie can see it now. When things are at their worst, they’re at least together because Maggie thinks they might be the best thing that happened to each other, sometimes. Maggie tries to ask the same questions she’d asked that last time she’d seen Sydney – are you planning on staying or do I have to let you go again – but Sydney took off before Maggie could say any of the words she’d been trying to come up with for over a week, useless excuses – and they are excuses, not reasons – pouring out of her mouth so she doesn’t tell Sydney why she’s been avoiding her. 

\----

Sydney spent the morning in a state of anxiety, an anxiety she hadn’t felt in a while. Maggie hadn’t answered her calls or texts, hadn’t said a word since Sydney had kissed her. And Sydney knew better than anyone the hectic days and nights at Hope Zion, had heard from Charlie about Martha and what a help Maggie was being for Alex when he called and offered Sydney a position at Hope Zion again – not a staff position, but it was a foot in the door, and Sydney had intended to stay in Toronto a while longer. She’d managed to find an apartment, filled it with 26 kilos of her life from 2 suitcases and a carry-on.  
So she’d accepted the job, taking a week to get her furniture out of storage. When the movers put the fridge in the kitchen, Sydney put the smiley face post-it on the fridge that was as empty as her life and went out for dinner.

It was a bold move going back to Hope Zion and it felt pushy, but Sydney couldn’t afford a gap in her resume, couldn’t stay at home wondering. She had enough almosts to last a lifetime. At this point she was sure the ship had sailed, that Maggie didn’t feel the same way anymore but a job offer was a job offer, and Sydney was in no position to turn a job offer down, not after resigning from a job like the one she’d had in Israel with no notice to be with her sister. And while she couldn’t treat Rebecca while she was at Hope Zion, she could at least be with her between shifts, she could at least let her family become familiar with the idea of her being back in their life in some capacity – as a doctor, if not a daughter.

She was aware of how it would look to Maggie – weird, if not stalkerish – but she had stopped trying to call Maggie a week ago, taking the hint and not sure where exactly she went wrong this time – when she had been so able to pinpoint it the last few times.

She’d finally been honest and, as she’d expected three years ago, been rejected because Maggie would never feel the same way about her. As she got dressed for work the anxiety welled up – she didn’t bother with makeup the way she used to, and she knew her hair was sloppy but she couldn’t bring herself to care. When Sydney dropped in on Rebecca before her shift stared neither of them said anything about Maggie, but Sydney could feel the expectation beneath the surface of what Rebecca carefully wasn’t asking, scared of her sister's reaction if she confirmed something that was no longer true – to have to admit that Rebecca’s doctor had briefly engaged with her in sordid activities might set her sister off again, and Sydney couldn’t handle that, but she especially couldn’t handle having to admit to a perhaps sympathetic Rebecca that Maggie didn’t want her, had perhaps never wanted her.

What had changed in a year? A year ago Maggie was the one making the moves, hinting that she wanted to explore the avenue they hadn’t taken because Sydney had run away. A year ago Maggie had kissed her first for the first time. Then Sydney had run away again, and perhaps that was it – perhaps Maggie was expecting her to leave and was readying herself for that by not letting herself get involved again.

As she was changing into her scrubs, back in an renovated on-call room somehow still filled with memories, she resisted the urge to peek in Maggie’s locker, see if there was a scrub cap and a few notes in the Torah. They were peers now, and it wasn’t appropriate. The day hadn’t even started and she was already exhausted. The last few weeks had taken the wind out of her sails.

\------

Sydney stepped into the doctor’s longue to get some coffee, but when Sydney saw Maggie leaning against the sink, looking almost as tired as Sydney felt she sidestepped and sat on the couch pretending to check her phone. She was sure there were other people in the room when she walked in, but when she looked up at Maggie’s question about her scrubs, they were alone, and Sydney’s heart sank.

No response is a response, she knew. If Maggie wanted to talk to her, she would have already. Maggie’s questions weren’t exactly the cold shoulder, but it was awkward and she didn’t want to invade Maggie’s space any more than she already had, so she left after iterating that this was just a job, that she wasn’t there for Maggie – although seeing her had made her heart skip the way it used to. They were colleagues before, and they could be again she told herself, the way she used to tell herself that she could grow to love Herschel.

Then Maggie recruited her on a wild ashes chase, and pulled her in on a consult. It was a crazy day, filled with young residents that smiled borderline creepily while looking between her and Maggie expectantly, Zack cornering her to not-quite-threaten her to make Maggie happy, preferably forever, a distracted Alex telling her she’d better not leave and break Maggie’s heart again. Even Dawn had a discrete but firm word with her. Sydney knew Maggie had a lot of people in her corner, but to see them so protective – protecting Maggie from Sydney, in this case, was startling, awkward and overwhelming.

At reception they argued over a woman telling her fiancé about her affair, Sydney conveniently forgetting for the moment that she’d intended to lie to her betrothed for the rest of her life about her affair with Maggie, that she’d never told Hannah about Maggie and how she’d crawled into bed beside her former lover, had let her kiss her in the lobby. When Maggie said that Sydney kissing her had made her feel strangled, it was like being punched in the chest. No wonder Maggie had been avoiding her, if this was even half of how Sydney had made her feel. But even in spite of that, Sydney wanted to help her with the ashes – a parting gesture better than Daddy Crab Leg’s Crab Shack. Because this felt like a break up – more so than when she actually broke up with Herschel, more so than when she told Hannah a week after she met her that she didn’t feel like their relationship was going to work out. Tel Aviv was enough in itself for Sydney, and Hannah… Hannah didn’t look at Sydney the way Maggie had, her hands were steady and practiced when she touched Sydney, and Sydney shrugged away every time, mentally loyal to a woman who hadn’t exactly rejected her.

And there was a moment in the consult when they both said they wanted kids that Sydney melted a little. She could see Maggie holding a baby, had seen Maggie hold many babies, but this one had a mess of red hair and Sydney knew that she wouldn’t get over this in a hurry. It had been three years of wondering with Maggie constantly in her thoughts, and now she knew for sure that Maggie felt - not the same way was a mild way to put it – she wondered how long it would take before she could start to get over her. Wondered if she should start sending out her resume, wondered if she could stay in Toronto after all, the proximity to Maggie the reason she left in the first place. Maybe once Rebecca had recovered, she could go back to England, maybe try Australia – she already knew how to drive on the left.

\------

And yet Sydney was still willing to help Maggie. It felt like she had searched every inch of the hospital when she finally caught sight of the shoe box, headed toward the laundry room on a cart. She had to haul the cart away from an orderly and sprint away dramatically with the shoebox, hiding eventually in the on-call room.

While she was there, once the pounding footfalls have faded away, she faced Maggie’s locker. She stepped away, again unwilling to find out if Maggie still had her notes, her scrub cap, because she feared Maggie didn’t.

Finding the ashes wouldn’t make Maggie love her, but it could perhaps make up for some of what Sydney had put her through. Sydney headed down to the memorial with the ashes, scanning the crowd for Maggie, breath catching when she found her. Maggie's bare shoulders in the dusk light, the way her hair looked now it’d grown out of that ridiculous yet adorable tinting. Sydney shook her head, stepped beside Maggie and put the shoe box on top of the urn.

She had a little fun with Maggie, then way she never used to, pausing before confirming she found Martha. Three years ago making a joke like that would have seemed so impractical but now it seems so important, to let Maggie know that she’s here for her, can follow through on something, that she’d do anything for Maggie – with a little levity. And it worked. Maggie cracked a smile, finally, suggested taking a walk.

And Maggie finally articulated why she’d been so scared and worried, why she’d been so caught up in the processing. It sounded like Maggie too has been building this up in her head, had been overthinking it. It sounds like Maggie is scared. And it seemed like Sydney had been wrong about a lot of things over the years; Maggie isn’t straight as Sydney had assumed so long ago. Maggie was always willing, Sydney was just too afraid, and Maggie never pushed the issue. Today Sydney had pushed Maggie harder than Maggie had ever pushed Sydney – there was no family rejection or huge lifestyle changes involved for Maggie, just acceptance and the constant wondering if Sydney had felt something for her. Sydney could see now how overwhelming it must have been for Maggie to finally have Sydney confirm her interest, her attraction verbally, especially after leaving her waiting so long. But Sydney had thought that this wasn’t something Maggie wanted, thought it was best not to bring up her urgent need that one time, embarrassed at her lack of control and how much her resident had meant to her. Ashamed of cheating on a fiancé she didn’t love, could never love, afraid of her family, her community – there was so much going on for her so long ago that she couldn’t see past it to see Maggie patiently waiting, the way she had been in the on-call room when Sydney finally admitted the truth out loud for the first time.

And it turned out, all Sydney wants is Maggie, and all Maggie wants is for Sydney to stay. She made it very clear before she let Sydney kiss her again - and Sydney does kiss her again, and again in the dusk on the shores of Lake Ontario, puts three years of love and longing into these kisses, the familiar tongue meeting her own, a hand that drops from her face to her waist. Despite what Sydney had just said, they had had a tortured love affair, and to be with Maggie - actually being with her - after so long, after so much fear and hope and stress and confusion - was worth every moment just for this kiss. Maggie's arms were soft, and her hands softer where they slipped under Sydney's loose shirt, making their way to Sydney's ribs. Sydney gasped into Maggie's mouth, pulled away.

"We're at your best friend's mother's wake," Sydney said, mock-sternly. 

"So etiquette dictates that we should stick to first base?" Maggie asked teasingly, and Sydney kissed her again, then pulled herself in tight against Maggie's body to just hold her. They fit together; no one's ever held Sydney like this. No one fits as well against her. 

The scruffy resident Sydney still hasn't learnt the name of came down the path then, paused abruptly on seeing them, tried to say something. Maggie looked at him over Sydney's head, eyebrow raised.

"They're about ready to get started," He said awkwardly. "Alex sent me to find you." 

Maggie laughed, and it reverberated through Sydney. "Of course she did," Maggie said, loosening her grip on Sydney. "Let's go," she said, linking her arm with Sydney's.

\-----

There are a lot of remarks at the wake about the way Maggie has a firm grip on Sydney's hand, the way they are in constant contact - and Sydney isn't too surprised that it's all positive. She finally gathered the courage to message Rebecca, Maggie reading the text before she sent it, half-expecting Rebecca to ask for a new doctor but instead getting an 'it's about time', followed by 'I hope she makes you happy'. 

“Do you want to come home with me?” Sydney blurted out after the fireworks. “Not for like… but just…. I’ve missed you. I want to catch up. I want to talk to you. I want to explain why I was so scared, why I kept running. I want to apologise.”

Maggie's smile was brighter than the fireworks, and she nodded. 

They go back to Sydney’s place after the fireworks, and Maggie chuckled at the Menorah over the fireplace, at the small but functional space so similar to how she had pictured it three years ago. Sydney looked nervous when they sat on the sofa, so Maggie took her hand.

"Life's too short for almosts, and we've wasted so much time. Talk all you want, but come here," And with that Maggie pulled Sydney snug against her, put an arm around Sydney's shoulder, and kissed Sydney's temple. Sydney relaxed, and for the first time since coming back to Toronto, felt like she'd come home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of processing - and there will be a chapter between this one and episode 11.  
> Sorry about the rant last week - the thing is, I have way more good people in my corner than not, it's just the guys that are shit stink out the whole place.


	13. Between two lungs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set between Season 5 episode 10 and Season 5, episode 11.  
> Title from Florence and the Machine

Sydney cuddled gratefully into Maggie, awkwardness dissipating.

“I’m sorry,” Sydney started, but Maggie cut her off.

“I get it. Well, I get most of it. You were scared, and from what I’ve seen of your family you had every right to be. It would have been nice if you’d just… talked to me. Even a little. Or let me know you were leaving.”

“Do you know how hard it was to talk to you? I was so confused and disoriented, I was sure you weren’t interested in me,” Sydney said, burying her face into Maggie’s shoulder.

“No, I get it, I always have sex with women I’m not interested in,“ Maggie said sarcastically.

“I convinced myself you did it because you felt sorry for me,” Sydney said, playing with her sleeve as Maggie rubbed her back. “And then I came back, and I was so wrong, and you were so sweet with your head injury but I’d already made my mind up. My family…”

“They pushed you away, I understand. But you pushed me away.” Maggie squeezed Sydney’s shoulder, her free hand reaching for Sydney’s hand in her lap. Sydney turned her hand palm up, entwined her fingers in Maggie’s. The space between Maggie's fingers is where Sydney's fits best.

“I left the first time because my life was a mess. I was so… dispirited. I had nothing left, and I didn’t even know if you liked me, let alone if you liked women. I couldn’t stay there and be your friend, and I couldn’t ask because if you didn’t… if you weren’t… I was going to have to leave anyway.”

“I was still figuring it out. That time… I hadn’t done anything like that before. Not emotionally. Or with a woman. And it was amazing, and you were amazing, but I was confused. I’d never wanted to be with a woman before, and suddenly there you were, all the time, being adorable and knowledgeable and passionate, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I never felt sorry for you; I’d never have had sex with you because I felt sorry for you. I wanted you.”

Sydney dropped Maggie’s hand so she could cup Maggie’s face, index finger coming up to trace a barely perceivable scar just on Maggie’s right eyebrow. Maggie dropped her head a little, and Sydney kissed the spot.

“When I came back, you were so… forthcoming. So… obvious, in a way you hadn’t been before.” Sydney smiled, slid her arm around Maggie’s waist.

“I thought you left because you didn’t know how I felt. I wasn’t going to make that mistake twice.” Maggie said, pulling Sydney closer.

“But I did. I’d already made up my mind. I was so stupid. Why didn’t you stop me?” Sydney asked.

“It seemed like something you wanted. I didn’t want to get it your way. I said everything I could. If you wanted to stay, you would have.” Maggie said, trying not to sound bitter.

“I couldn’t, though. You met my family. Living here, with their judgement…. I wasn’t strong enough then. I’m still not strong enough, but I have to be, for Beca.” Sydney sighed, rested her cheek against Maggie’s shoulder, her forehead against Maggie’s cheek.

“I get that now. And before you left, you said… you said I wasn’t alone in what I felt.” Maggie said.

“I had to let you know. I thought I was alone in what I’d felt, all that time.” Sydney said, still in wonder that she was wrong.

“I had sex with you. I kissed you, I held you when you cried, I held you after you broke up with your fiance. How could you not know how I felt?” Maggie asked, punctuating the question with another squeeze of Sydney’s hand.

“I… I was too scared to ask. I wanted to, I really did, but I was so scared that you didn’t… that it was all just an… experiment for you, that I’d just thrown myself at you and you’d just given it a go in case I could help you with boards or something.”

“You did help me with boards,” Maggie pointed out.

“But not because… I wasn’t returning a favour.” Sydney said, a little flustered.

“So you’d do that for any resident?” Maggie teased.

“Any resident stupid enough to leave the boards to save her best friend and her unborn baby, yes.” Sydney said seriously. “Any resident good enough to deliver a difficult birth like that, yes.”

“I did thank you for that, didn’t I?” Maggie asked.

“You can thank me now,” Sydney says a little breathlessly, biting her lip.

Maggie laughed, and Sydney pouted.

“Not even a kiss?” Sydney asked.

“Not yet,” Maggie said, settling Sydney more comfortably against her. “We’re not done with this talk you promised." Sydney sighed, impatient. "Unless this was just a ruse to get me to come home with you, get me into your house, your… bed?” Maggie queried, not adverse to the idea but not willing to make the first move.

“It wasn’t, I swear it wasn’t but now that you’re here… Maggie I’ve been waiting two years, nearly.” Sydney said quietly.

“I thought you had a girlfriend in Israel?” Maggie asked tentatively, surprised.

“It didn’t last,” Sydney said shortly. “She wasn’t you.”

“But you didn’t… with her?” Maggie asked, remembering how certain Sydney had sounded a year ago.

Sydney shrugged. “It didn’t seem… worthwhile… I didn’t… respond to her that well.”

“You must be 30 now…. Once, in 30 years?” Maggie asked incredulously.

“Look, I know I never promised you anything, and you certainly didn’t either, but any woman I’m with deserves me to be able to be think of her instead of someone… else.” Sydney said. “And so far you’re the only one I think of.”

“And you didn’t deserve to go out and explore your newfound sexuality?” Maggie asked. It’s not like she had been very active herself, but she had put herself out there, had tried to move on – even if it hadn’t worked. The thought of Sydney alone in a foreign city, watching women she found attractive and not making a move because of her – well, it was flattering.

“I’d done all the exploring I needed. Well, almost. I never did get your pants off,” Sydney said, pulling back to look at Maggie, smiling nervously.

“After two years I think you deserve another shot,” Maggie said smiling, then grew serious as she turned to finally face Sydney. “I’ve never missed anyone the way I’ve missed you. You can’t just… take off on me again. And you have to talk to me.”

“I accept the terms and conditions,” Sydney said, straight faced.

“Where did you get a sense of humour?” Maggie asked, jostling Sydney.

“From you,” Sydney said seriously, cupping Maggie’s face. “Everything good in my life has come from you.” They’d kissed beside the river, beneath the fireworks that evening, but here, alone finally in her own home she was nervous again. Maybe Maggie was right. Perhaps she couldn’t live up to Maggie’s expectations.

Maggie just watched Sydney, not pushing, letting her process, and Sydney knew Maggie must have changed, that she couldn’t be exactly the same person she was when they first met, but this reminded her of the patience Maggie had always had with her and it made her chest ache.

Sydney brought her mouth to Maggie’s waiting lips. She pulled away, and Maggie followed her, just millimeters away making an impatient huff but not pushing. Sydney pressed her lips lightly against Maggie's, one, twice, three times - reveling in the sensation of Maggie's lips against hers again, before kissing her with all the pent up frustration of the last few weeks. All of the longing she'd felt for two years.

Maggie’s mouth opened to Sydney’s without hesitation, tongue hungrily seeking Sydney’s. Sydney couldn’t believe she was so close to what she’d been waiting for for so long, can’t believe Maggie tasted exactly the same, couldn’t believe this was real yet, after all the waiting, all the questioning. The noises Maggie was making into Sydney's mouth were contented, and Sydney was relieved.

Maggie’s mouth left Sydney’s eventually, and she pulled back to look at Sydney, running her fingers over Sydney's cheek. Her mouth kissed its way across Sydney’s cheek and her lips wrapped around Sydney’s ear lobe, teeth pulling gently.

Sydney gasped and pulled back.

“Don’t tease me,” she pleaded. “I need you,”

“I want to take my time with you,” Maggie said, low and close to Sydney’s ear, and Sydney shivered. “Last time felt… rushed.”

“It felt very thorough to me,” Sydney said, kissing Maggie’s neck. “But what would I know? You can take all the time in the world later, just, please. Don’t make me wait any longer.” Sydney pulled back, looked at Maggie, lips parted and reddened from kissing, hair tousled, and a look in her eye Maggie could remember – except this time there was no shame, no hesitation. "I’ve waited two years. Don’t make me wait another minute.” Sydney said, not demanding but still firm.

And with that Maggie slid her hand down the waistband of Sydney’s pants, Maggie’s forehead rested against Sydney’s. She’d been expecting Sydney to be excited, but Sydney’s underpants were soaked – still cotton, still functional, and again completely drenched. Sydney moaned as Maggie's hand found its way between her underwear and her skin, gently feeling its way down, and Maggie pulled back to watch Sydney’s face.

"We were just talking Syd. Not even talking dirty. Do I really do this to you every time we talk?"

"It's what you do to me, yes." Sydney breathed out, too turned on to be ashamed of the way her body responded to Maggie. She wriggled her hips as a hint, tilted her pelvis into Maggie's hand. If the idea of Sydney 'saving herself' for Maggie hadn't already started her libido, the idea that Sydney got this worked up every time Maggie even talked to her certainly would do the trick. Maggie almost felt bad for the Israeli girlfriend; this has to be what Sydney meant by 'respond', Sydney must not have been finding herself this turned on after just talking to her, the way she was with Maggie.

Maggie hadn’t really done this a lot, just that one time with Sydney and once with that girl she took home a year ago, but it’s still familiar because it’s Sydney, and they’ve been here before.

Maggie remembered where Sydney’s clit was, gently teased it out of its hiding place, rubbed quickly, and Sydney moaned and Maggie had to lean in again, taste that moan in her mouth, and Sydney’s teeth pressed into her as she moved forward, pressed herself against Maggie’s hand, still moaning. Sydney was so wet, so ready, and Maggie’s always heard that women are meant to be harder than men to please but yet again Sydney proved that wrong, coming noisily against Maggie’s hand, into her mouth, pulsing and twitching. Sydney’s hands, hands that were previously grasping Maggie’s forearms, moved to pull Maggie into her as she collapsed back against the sofa.

Sydney caught her breath slowly, still pulsating against Maggie's hand which was still pressed against her, eyes unfocused as she looked at Maggie.

“Oh, Maggie,” she breathed out. “You can take all the time you want, now.”

\-----

Sydney lead Maggie to the bedroom, as sparsely decorated as the rest of the house and they kicked off their shoes at the door. Sydney paused next to the bed, suddenly shy again.

“Can you… I never got to see you…” Sydney blushed, unable to finish her request.

“You want me naked?” Maggie teased.

“I want you every which way.” Sydney said seriously. “I already owe you.”

“Owe me what?” Maggie asked curiously, no idea what Sydney was talking about.

“Three orgasms.” Sydney said. Maggie looked confused. “You’re three behind, I owe you.”

“If I’d known that a year ago…” Maggie said, quirking her brow “I would have given you more than a kiss when you left.”

Sydney rolled her eyes, pushed Maggie onto the bed. She climbed into Maggie’s lap, a position they both remembered, and Sydney’s mouth found the mole on Maggie’s neck as her hands dove under Maggie’s shirt, tugging it up. Maggie raised her arms, let the shirt come off, enjoying Sydney's hands on her torso, over her ribs, down her back, over her hips, then back up to play with the lace on Maggie's purple bra, to tease a nipple with her thumb.

Maggie lifted Sydney’s shirt over her head and pulled their bodies together. Some of the urgency had left now that Sydney had already come, she was ready to let Maggie be slow and tender – and she was equally careful, slow and meticulous. Sydney was focused, sweet and responsive.

Maggie fumbled with Sydney’s black practical cotton bra, feeling like the least smooth teenage boy in the world. Eventually Sydney reached back and undid it herself.

“It’s harder, backwards,” Maggie said defensively. Sydney nodded, and somehow undid Maggie’s bra first try. “You’ve been practicing,” Maggie accused, but Sydney shrugged.

“Dumb luck,” Sydney said. “Like you. After everything, you’re here with me, it must be dumb luck”

“It’s just you.” Maggie said, lifting her hand to Sydney’s breast. “Hello, old friends,” she said, cupping both, rubbing her thumbs over both nipples.

“They’re pleased to see you,” Sydney said, trying to be sexy but coming off a little awkward.

Maggie didn’t notice, too involved with the heft and weight of Sydney’s breasts in her hands, the nipples hardening under her thumbs. Maggie dropped her head, took a nipple in her mouth.

“No, your turn,” Sydney said, after a long moment of arching her breast toward Maggie, before she pushed Maggie back on the bed.

Sydney’s assault on Maggie’s chest was… sloppy, a little aggressive and perfect. Maggie ran her fingers through Sydney’s hair; it’d been a while for her too and somehow Sydney has always managed to push all her buttons. Sydney's mouth was warm, her tongue soft, her hands slow and thoughtful as they cupped both breasts, then moved down to toy with Maggie's ribs, dipped into Maggie's bellybutton and stopped at the top of Maggie's pants. Sydney undid the button on Maggie’s pants. Sydney paused, rose up to kiss Maggie with certainty.

“Are you sure?” Sydney asked seriously.

“I’m three behind, remember. We stop now, I’ll never catch up.” Maggie said lightly.

“Seriously?” Sydney asked. “You want me…”

“I've always wanted you. You’ll see in a moment. Just keep going.” Maggie said gently, removing her hand from Sydney’s hair to run it down Sydney's face.

Sydney unzipped Maggie's fly as she kissed Maggie again. She broke off the kiss so she could get off of Maggie to peel off the pants, Maggie lifting her hips obligingly. Sydney paused at the sight of Maggie in just her underpants.

There was a large damp patch on the crotch of Maggie’s purple lacy satin underpants.

“Oh,” Sydney said. She tugged off Maggie’s underwear, eyes fixed on the prize beneath. “Oh,” she said again, breathless.

Maggie’s was feeling a little self-conscious now.

“No, no, good ‘oh’," Sydney reassured Maggie, then dropped to her knees, pressed a gentle kiss against the inside of Maggie’s knee, then up her thigh, fingers trailing up the other thigh keeping pace. Maggie was tempted to tell her to hurry up but she felt like she’d earned the luxury of every tantalising moment. She knew Sydney knew what she was doing, or had known at least once. She knew she’d come eventually but for now, the sweet, hot lips of a passionate redhead creeping up her thigh ever so slowly was as close to heaven as she’d ever known.

Then Sydney’s tongue flicked out, grazed Maggie’s clit and oh God, she was wrong. A hot mouth enveloped her vulva, tongue running wild, and Maggie sat up on the edge of the bed, hands latched firmly onto Sydney’s head again, holding her in place as she looked up at Maggie. Sydney’s tongue eventually focused on Maggie’s clit, working insidiously until Maggie came with a short cry, only breaking eye contact after the crest was over, falling back on the bed. Sydney crawled up Maggie’s body, kissing her with the passion that had originally drawn Maggie to her, the taste in her mouth familiar but different – she had only tasted Sydney before but this was somehow more exciting. One of Sydney’s hands slid between them, Sydney’s fingers running between Maggie’s labia and flirting with her entrance, palm grinding on her clit until Maggie came again, this time with an extended moan that Sydney swallowed.

When Maggie could breathe normally again, she lay down properly on the bed, pulling Sydney with her, pushing Sydney onto her back beneath her. She touched Sydney’s face gently, running her fingers over her cheeks and lips, following her fingers with her own lips. Her hand slid down Sydney’s neck, traced her clavicle, spent a great deal of time on Sydney’s breasts, alternating between the two with mouth and hand, making sure they got equal attention; soft kisses, gentle squeezes, nipples lathed by a talented tongue. She ran her other hand over Sydney’s ribs, then her back, then waist, then followed the line of Sydney’s hips back to her core, kissing Sydney’s willing mouth again.

Maggie slipped a finger inside Sydney, hesitated when she felt resistance. Sydney was still so wet, so it couldn’t be friction. It had to be…

“You’re…” Maggie started to ask.

“Technically, yeah.” Sydney said, blushing.

“Are you sure? I don’t think I can." Maggie said, the seriousness of the moment overwhelming her. She wanted to have sex with Sydney, but she didn’t want to… break ground, so to speak. Not when things were still so uncertain between them.

“You took my virginity two years ago. You just left out one detail.”

“I don’t want to hurt you" Maggie said, withdrawing, resting her hand on Sydney’s thigh instead. There were other things they could do, until at least a few dates, until they settled the tension still between them.

“Did it hurt you?”

“A little. I was young, and there wasn’t a lot of foreplay.” Maggie shrugged, having had enough sex that that first time 14 years ago didn’t have much of an impact on her memory any more.

“Can’t say that here,“ Sydney said, moving Maggie’s hand back toward the apex of her thighs, to the copious moisture pooled there.

Maggie hesitated, and Sydney grabbed her wrist.

“Please.” Sydney bit her lip, then pulled Maggie down to kiss her again. And Maggie pushed forward, tasted Sydney’s flinch against her mouth. Then she was inside Sydney, properly, wet velvet warmth surrounding her finger, and she moved to the front to find that rough patch covering the g-spot, gently rubbed slowly with her fingerpad until Sydney moaned again in her mouth. Maggie brought her thumb back to Sydney’s clit and Sydney trembled, fell apart clinging to Maggie.

 -----

Later they talked about awkward and careful pap smears Sydney has had, the disbelief she’d faced at the hands of women less qualified than her.

Maggie fell asleep first, exhausted by the stress of the day. Sydney too had been stressed and exhausted, but she’d been waiting for this for two years; it was worth waiting up to watch Maggie’s face, slack in sleep, to feel Maggie’s breathing under her head, to run her fingers over a ribcage she’d all but forgotten.

And when Sydney woke, she woke to Maggie’s fingers in her hair, a kiss on her temple. When she looked up, Maggie was there.

“So much for just talking,” Maggie smirked, and Sydney kissed that smirk right off of her face.

“I still owe you two,” Sydney said with a smirk of her own.

“My shift starts in an hour, and I have no idea how far away you live from Hope Zion so you’ve got your work cut out for you.” Maggie smiled then, raised an eyebrow. "Though for a virgin you sure seemed to know what you were doing." 

"I'll show you who knows what they're doing," Sydney said indignantly before she pounced on a laughing Maggie. 

They made it to work only a little late, disheveled and smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the delay - I'm still catching up and I injured myself in a datacentre - I have slipped discs and sometimes they press on my spinal nerves and it's about as much fun as it sounds. No time to recoup, not a lot of sleep.  
> I didn't want to release this chapter until it was perfect and I'm pretty nervous about it - I've never written anything this explicit and it feels honestly a little disrespectful to the poor actresses.  
> It's not perfect, but another sleepless night so it might as well be productive. This will probably see a few quiet rewrites over the weekend when I'm not hyped up on notfundrugs.  
> Thanks for your patience, hopefully you enjoy it?
> 
> Updated 20/8/2017


	14. Mattresses and hobbits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 5, episode 11

Sydney gave Maggie a key a few weeks later, trying not to make a big deal about it but blushing.

“Just in case,” she said, “Our schedules don’t exactly line up, and if you wanted to… you could…”

“I could indeed,” Maggie said, trying not to smirk. “Or you could come back to mine once in a while.”

Sydney wrinkled her nose at the suggestion, but Maggie understood. Sydney’s place was modern and established, and Maggie’s was the same place she’d moved into after she’d broken up with Gavin; in a bad neighbourhood, with decades old mould in the bathroom and cracks in the ceiling. The windows of her bedroom looked directly into the bedroom of the apartment on the block next door, and the kitchen looked straight onto an unfinished brick wall. When she’d been single – and looking back now, a little depressed, a little unmotivated, just coming home to microwave some dinner and nap on the couch – the place had been fine, and cheap and Maggie could whittle away her student loans faster without the inconvenience of a roommate. It wasn’t like Maggie had anyone to bring home since Sydney anyway, or before Sydney this time. Just that one time, and they’d gone back to Janice’s place which was not much better than Maggie’s anyway.

But Sydney’s house presented its own difficulties; the size of Sydney’s bed was inadequate for one full-grown woman, let alone two.

It was sweet, how uncertain Sydney was about how the key would be received. And it was amazing and brand new but comfortable and familiar, and while Maggie typically didn’t mind spooning, doing it every night was making her feel a little cramped. It was difficult to sleep with Sydney’s body pressed against her smelling so good and being pressed against her so, so naked body in her temperature controlled apartment.

In the last few weeks, Maggie figured out that she was in trouble. She figured out that she’d been in trouble for a while, looking back. Every moment she spent with Sydney just confirmed how much she’d started to fall such a long time ago, and how far she had already fallen. When they caught the streetcar home together at night it was how she’d pictured it so long ago, Sydney ramped up from waiting all day, Maggie meeting Sydney’s need with her own.

And when they woke, Sydney was soft and warm and so terribly difficult to leave when Maggie’s shift started first.

It was wonderful, for the most part. But there was still a lingering uncertainty, beneath. They’d not been here before but they’d been close; they had always been close but they had never talked about it. And they still hadn’t really talked about it, and Maggie made sure she went back to her place a few times a week so she felt independent, so it wouldn’t feel so bad when Sydney eventually abandoned her again.

The most Sydney had said about it was that she wasn’t going anywhere without Maggie, and at least this time they were at least ‘something’ rather than a ‘perhaps’. But Sydney had a tendency to pack up and leave without warning, and things were too good – Maggie was bracing herself for the next blow.

And it’s ridiculous, because although neither of them had said it, it was obvious that they were both in love. And there was trust too now, as well as love. Maggie felt overflowing with the love Sydney provided. Her days had meaning again the way they did before Sydney strode into her life then slunk away. She felt complete. She felt like she was where she was supposed to be. She felt like she had arrived.

Sydney, for her part, finally felt at ease. There had been a lot of changes in her life, and she’d expected to be devastated by her family’s lack of approval but it was easier to bear with Maggie on her side, by her side.

Rebecca was on her side, recovering well and out of hospital, giving her support and standing against her parents with Sydney. And Sydney’s parents, desperately wanting to be allowed to be involved with their grandchild, had stopped their tirade against Sydney. They were still cold, but they were respectful now instead of constantly demeaning.

\-----

Then Sydney got the call from London, the job offer she’d really wanted when she was ready to leave Canada perhaps forever.

Maggie came in and was so happy, so pleased to see her after barely an hour apart, verbally and physically, and Sydney’s heart sank. She couldn’t leave, couldn’t leave Maggie behind again. But she couldn’t turn the job down, it was such an honour to have even been considered and it was a stellar, state of the art hospital with the technology she’d been itching to use.

Then the day went to hell, a gay Muslim and a lesbian Jew working together to save both a woman and her unborn child, and it cinched it for Sydney. This was why she got into obstetrics.

Then Maggie came in while she was thinking, exuding false confidence, showing Sydney that she could see a future with them.

“I’m serious about us. Sue me,” She said shortly when Sydney asked if she was trying to move in, and that was the last piece in the puzzle for Sydney. Maggie didn’t make a lot of the moves, and this was the sign Sydney had been waiting for, to make sure she wouldn’t be rejected.

She sat up and started telling Maggie about her ambitions, her plans for the future… and that Maggie was very much in those. She was still nervous when she asked, but Maggie didn’t even hesitate for a moment, delighted that she was wrong about being left behind again. Sydney peppered Maggie with kisses, a little overwhelmed, exuberant and joyful. Everything was perfect.

\-----

“You’re not just running away from your family again, are you?” Maggie asked that night.

“I’d love to stay here, be here for my sister’s baby’s birth, and Alex’ baby, and I hate to take you away from your life here, but Turbin General… it’s one of the highest ranked hospitals in the world, and I can’t turn that down. I’ll patch things up with my parents, or I won’t, but I don’t need to put continents between us to run away.”

“And you’re sure you want me to go with you? We haven’t been together that long, we haven’t even moved in together.” Maggie asked uncertainly, wondering if she’d put too much pressure on Sydney, if her asking for a bigger bed was the sign of commitment Sydney had been waiting for to ask her. 

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m not going anywhere without you.” Sydney said assuredly. 

Maggie took a deep breath.

“Well, in that case I need to call my mum. She’s going to want to meet my…girlfriend?” Maggie finished the sentence with a question, satisfied with the smile that spread across Sydney’s face at the word. “Before she whisks me halfway across the world.”

“I would love to meet your mother. And be your girlfriend. And… whatever else you want. Just come with me, please?”

“Oh, I will, later. But first I’m calling mum.”

It’s testament to Maggie’s prowess that Sydney still blushes at the euphemism.

“Of course. But… do you think it can wait half an hour?”

“What did you have in mind that would last… half an hour?” Maggie asked suggestively.

“I’ve got something in mind, something that will let you know just how happy I am that you want to go with me, that you want… me.”

“I’ve always wanted you, and I’m just as happy you asked me to go to England with you rather than just taking off again.”

“I’m sorry,” Sydney started, realising that she’d never fully apologised, realising that Maggie’s initial reaction was very warranted, but she was cut off with Maggie’s mouth on hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daily Torontean life with Maggie and Sydney.  
> There might be more than one chapter left - working it out now.  
> Thanks for all the reviews along the way - I'm not always super confident in my work and it does compel me to keep going, especially with y crazy schedule. You've all been so kind, and I'm sorry about the earlier confusion with the chapters - I'm not typically linear - I develop an idea when it comes and having two seasons to work on made it... random. But it's worked out well, with season 5 coming so much later.  
> Anyway, thank you for reading/reviewing/Lintzing.


	15. Sisters and babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First part of a two part set between season 5 episode 11 and season 5 episode 12 - after Sydney asks Maggie to move to London with her.  
> Sydney and Maggie visit Sydney's sister and her baby.

Maggie and Sydney had a lot to prepare before they can leave for London. They had to arrange to get their stuff in storage, to give things away, to decide what they needed to take with them and what they could leave behind.

They visited Maggie’s mum.

They visited Sydney’s sister.

They didn’t visit Sydney’s parents.

\----------

Rebecca was pleased to see them. She shoved baby Hannah at Sydney the moment she was in the house, leaving Maggie to close the door behind her.

“I’ve been trying to wash my hair for three days,” Rebecca said, and disappeared, a minute later the sound of water in the pipes as Maggie and Sydney stared at each other, bemused, then down at the mohawked, redheaded baby. It yawned innocuously, turned in Sydney’s arms and fell asleep. Maggie melted at the sight of Sydney cooing to a baby that almost looked like it could be her own. They invited themselves into Rebecca’s lounge room, sat on the sofa there, staring at the tiny human like idiots. Sydney smoothed the shock of red hair, caressed a soft cheek, and Maggie took a tiny hand in hers, enraptured by the tiny fingernails, marveling when Hannah gripped her finger. Rebecca found them like that, wrapped in a robe with her hair in a towel. She laughed at the sight.

“She’s a heartbreaker already,” she warned. “Thanks Syd, can you keep her while I get dressed?”

And Sydney, too breathtaken, too wary to speak in case she woke the baby, nodded. Maggie looked up, caught Rebecca watching her watch Sydney with the baby, and blushed a little when Rebecca raised an eyebrow, wondering how she knew Maggie was wondering what it would be like if this was Sydney’s baby - and her baby too, somehow, if they were parents of a little miracle like this.

“You’ll change your mind when she starts screaming,” Rebecca said in response to the unspoken question, and right on cue Hannah woke up, took one look at Sydney’s face - a face she had previously been happy with - and opened her mouth the start screaming. Sydney looked at Rebecca, bemused, and Maggie chuckled, took Hannah from Sydney, rocked her gently until the screams turned to hiccuping wails, then to contended silence as she drifted off against Maggie’s shoulder.

“She was always better at people than me,” Sydney said by way of an explanation. Rebecca smiled.

“People with social disorders are better at people than you. I’ll get dressed.”

While Rebecca was getting dressed, Sydney watched Maggie cradle the baby, wondering what it would be like if they had their own - a little redhead, like Hannah, from Sydney’s DNA somehow. And another, Asiatic baby from Maggie. And maybe a third one, adopted perhaps. And it shocked Sydney, because even when she’d tried to imagine her future with Herschel, she’d never seen babies, never wanted babies. For all her knowledge and skill in that area, she had never truly considered motherhood for herself, and now here she was, Maggie holding a baby - something Sydney had seen Maggie do plenty of times - but maybe it was because the baby was related to Sydney, that she could see Maggie holding their children, kind and patient, nurturing, probably a better mother than Sydney - but Sydney could manage, could be a better father perhaps, the bread-winner who could take the kids camping and teach them how to drive. Or maybe they could forget rigid gender roles and just be the best coparents they could be.

Sydney went to the kitchen.

“Coffee?” She called out, and got a yes from Maggie and a decaf from Rebecca. She turned on the little machine, wondering if it was too soon to talk to Maggie about this - it had only been a few months, but the time they’d spent apart being for the most part faithful and hopeful made it seem longer, made them seem like a stable couple. But then, perhaps they were falling into a lesbian cliche - Maggie had already made plans to move in with Sydney, and now Sydney was dragging her across the continent. And Maggie was willing to go with her, had barely given it a second thought when Sydney had asked her, had been so distraught at the thought of having to let Sydney go again… Sydney was in this for the long haul, but she wasn’t sure if it was too soon to bring up babies with Maggie. Maybe once they went home the magic from her tiny miracle niece - a miracle Maggie had thankfully brought about - would have worn off and Sydney would have a few months or years before she had to raise the subject.

She took the coffee into the lounge room, struck again by how perfect Maggie looked holding her sister’s baby. Rebecca came in then, and Maggie moved as though she was going to hand Hannah back.

“No, no, you keep her a while. Never disturb a sleeping baby.”

Hannah slept so long that Rebecca disappeared to take a nap of her own, leaving Sydney and Maggie in an awe-filled silence. She came back out when Hannah wailed inconsolably a little while later, took her from Maggie and gave her some breast.

“Sorry, I know you came around to see me, but I can’t turn down a chance for a nap these days.” And Maggie remembered then the fight Rebecca had had with cancer, the miscarriages, the curse Sydney’s parents believed Sydney had brought upon them.

“Don’t worry, she’s good company. Actually, we came around to tell you we’re going to London.” Sydney said.

“For a trip?” Rebecca asked.

“I’ve got a job at Turban General.” Sydney said. 

“And I’ll find something,” Maggie said hopefully.

“I’m glad you’re not running off and leaving her behind this time. I saw your face when you walked into my hospital room,” Rebecca teased, and Sydney blushed, remembering how she’d gazed in wonder when she’d finally seen Maggie again. “It’s a pity, I was kind of counting on you to help out.”

“You have our parents for that,” Sydney said. “It’s a shame though. She's lovely, I would have loved to see her grown up.”

“You will if you come back a few times a year…” Rebecca said suggestively, and Sydney laughed. 

“We’ll do what we can.” Rebecca looked over at Maggie, sipping her stone-cold coffee now that she’d handed off the baby.

“Thanks again Maggie. Sydney explained how hard the choice you made was, how difficult it was… I have her because of you.”

“It’s the choice Sydney would have made,” Maggie said confidently, but Sydney knew she was too close - she would have saved her sister first, the baby second, and now looking at Hannah she couldn’t imagine a world without her in it.

“You did well with her,” Rebecca said, inclining her head to Maggie. “Clever and modest?”

“I’m glad you’ve come around, Bec. It was a rough couple of years.”

“I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I just… I thought I knew you.”

“And you knew why I had to keep it secret - you saw what it did to our family when I couldn’t deny it any longer. “

“I’m just glad you found her before you married Herschel.” Rebecca wrinkled her nose. She shook her head, checked Hannah’s latching. “Were you… are you…”

“I wasn’t. Not until…”

“She made you gay?” Rebecca asked, delighted. “Oh, you’ve done very well for yourself. If only she was Jewish, but I guess she can convert?” Maggie looked panicked at this suggestion; she was always baffled by the strings of Yiddish that occasionally came from Sydney, kept asking what utensils she could use for anything not from the kosher store, kept mouthwash in her locker and at Sydney’s in case she’d forgotten what she’d eaten for lunch. It was too much to learn, all at once, too much to take in.

“She didn’t make me anything. She just made me realise a few things, and all the traits I find desirable in a partner, well, she had them all. It wasn’t so much a choice as a necessity. Plus, I mean, you’ve seen Sydney right?”

“Gross, she’s my sister.” Maggie smirked a little at that, and they spent a pleasant afternoon, Sydney feeling like she’d finally repaired her relationship with her sister. She let Maggie drive home, pondering the afternoon’s revelations.

\---

“I want to get you pregnant,” Maggie said seriously that night as Sydney got into bed, but Sydney laughed.

“You don’t quite have the… equipment for that,” She said, and Maggie’s face dropped. “Not that I don’t like your equipment. I love your equipment, it might just not be... efficient for the job.”

“Oh, I know you like my equipment,” Maggie smirked. “And there’s no harm in trying.” She raised her eyebrows and leaned in to kiss Sydney.

“Wait… you said you wanted kids before. With the chlamydia case. You want them… with me?” Sydney asked incredulously, wondering how Maggie had read her mind, how Maggie had beaten her to this punch.

“Can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have them with,” Maggie said nonchalantly.

“But… adopt or IVF?” Sydney asked seriously. “If it’s IVF and you want to carry them, you will have to convert if we want my parents to ever speak to me again.”

“I want to have your babies, Sydney, one way or another. Or you to have mine, another way or one.”

“I mean.. it’ll take a while, either way. The paperwork, and neither of us are British nationals so if it’s born in England we’ll have a hard time with the adoption by the non-birth parent and then bringing it home as a non-British citizen…”

Maggie paused, propped herself up on her elbows. “You’ve thought about this.” She stated bluntly. “Before today.”

“You haven’t?” Sydney asked, worried she’d overstepped.

“Well, sure, but… not the logistics. Just how great it would be, in the future.”

“Like I said, it’ll take a while. Better to get ready, do the thought experiment. Neither of us are getting younger and each year that goes by will lower viability for both of us.”

“You big nerd,” Maggie said affectionately, kissing Sydney. “We can talk about logistics in the morning, but we might as well start trying now.” She raised an eyebrow, and Sydney laughed, kissed her thoroughly, glad they were on the same page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that epic gap - I really hurt myself quite badly and recovery hasn't been going well. Add to that the marriage equality plebiscite and a couple of state emergencies that meant I couldn't be stood down for days, the day-day-night-day-day-night-day-day work routine I'm currently in - that doesn't matter much to me, honestly, because I don't sleep much and use that time to write until the painkillers kick in. They're just excuses, but life has been a little too exciting lately.  
> Honestly, I got stuck, and I got worried that I'd lost the characters somehow - they didn't talk back any more, they felt forced. I kind of feel like season 5 Sydney is too drastic of a difference to season 3 Sydney, and people do change - but it was a lot, and I lost her voice somewhere.  
> I'm also doing nanowrimo and I just hit 50000 words so I felt like I owed you guys an update. Sorry again about the wait, and thanks - as always - for reading.


	16. latency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second part of a two part set between season 5 episode 11 and season 5 episode 12 - after Sydney asks Maggie to move to London with her.  
> Sydney and Maggie visit Maggie's mother and indulge in some pillow talk.

Maggie squeezed Sydney’s hand as they waited outside her mother’s apartment door.  


“It’ll be fine. She’ll like you, and she hasn’t had a problem with any of the other women I brought home,” Maggie said sedately, laughing when Sydney turned to her in confusion. “Joke! It was a joke! She hasn't met any of the other women.” Sydney stared at Maggie in indignation.  


"How many have there been?" She asked quickly, hearing footfalls behind the door, but Maggie just raised an eyebrow aggravatingly. 

At that point the door opened, and Sydney squeezed Maggie’s hand harder, tight smile on her face. Maggie’s thumb stroked over her knuckles and she relaxed, smiled like she meant it.  


“It’s lovely to meet you, Mrs Lin,” Sydney said, extending her hand which was summarily ignored.  


“You’re late,” Mrs Lin said, and turned to walk back into the apartment. Sydney stared wide-eyed at Maggie and Maggie squeezed her hand again, led her into the apartment and shut the door behind them. “Tea?” Mrs Lin asked from another room.  


“Coffee, mum,” Maggie called, sitting on a couch next to Sydney.  


The coffee was hot and strong, and Sydney enjoyed it. The conversation was stilted on her part, and Mrs Lin sent Maggie to look for an old photo album to show Sydney a picture of Maggie’s baby butt.  


“You won’t leave her?” Maggie’s mother asked as soon as they were alone. She sternly eyed Sydney with an air of disapproval.  


“I know I might not be what you expected for your daughter,” Sydney started, but she was cut off with an impatient wave.  


“I do not care about that. You left her, you left her broken. You leave her again, I will break you.” Sydney shifted uncomfortably at the dining room table, willing Maggie to find the photo album her mother had sent her to look for quickly.  


“It was more complicated than that. My parents…”  


“Not as understanding as me?” Mrs Lin barked with laughter.  


“To say the least. I had to figure it out on my own, I didn’t want to… complicate her life any more. I thought it was for the best if I didn’t… confuse her, because I didn’t know if I could come out and lose my family, my community. I thought she would be better off if I left. I know I was wrong now, but I was very… alone… when I made that decision.”  


“Those decisions,” Mrs Lin reminded her. “Twice now you leave her. I do not trust you.”  


“That seems fair, but I can promise you - even if you won’t believe me - that I do want the best for your daughter. And when I left, I didn’t think I was good for her; good for anyone.” Mrs Lin eyed Sydney considerately.  


“You will be good to her?”  


“As good as I can be. If she hadn’t said she’d come with me, I wouldn’t have gone,” Sydney said, surprised at the truth behind the statement.  


Mrs Lin nodded. “Drink,” she said, gesturing to the coffee she’d put in front of Sydney. She drank obediently, wondering if this was a sign of approval. Maggie came in then, with the photo album, and blushed at her terrible highschool hair and naked bath photos, glad her mother wanted to show them to Sydney, glad she seemed to have accepted her. 

\---

Maggie woke up at the sound of the front door and rolled over in bed, halfway through a week of earlies while Sydney was on lates. She watched the bedroom door, listening for the familiar sound of Sydney’s evening routine: green tea, a warm shower, leftovers in front of a quiet TV. When the bedroom door quietly creaked open, Maggie peeked through her mostly closed eyelids, watched as Sydney walked to the dresser in her dressing gown, shrugging it off and hanging it behind the door before rummaging through a drawer. She shrugged on an oversized tee and Maggie huffed in disappointment. Sydney turned at the noise.  


“Sorry, did I wake you?” Sydney asked, walking toward the bed.  


“No,” Maggie lied. The shirt was part of a system they’d worked out. It meant they’d just be sleeping. Maggie had had to mention how distracting she found waking up with Sydney’s naked body pressed against her; her sleep had been affected. Sydney turned off the hall light, an LED strip in the walk in robe dimly illuminating the room.  


“What’s kept you up? You have to get up in…” Sydney checked her watch, “four hours.”  


“Just thinking.” Maggie said noncommittally.  


“... about?” Sydney asked, wanting elaboration.  


“You,” Maggie said honestly. “About how I wish you hadn’t put that shirt on.”  


Sydney had put her knee on the bed, readying herself to get in, but she stood, pulled the shirt back over her head. Maggie caught her breath, even though the sight was familiar by now, even in the dim light, and scooted back against the wall to make room for Sydney in front of her. Sydney slid into bed facing Maggie, tangling her bare legs with Maggie’s.  


“I thought we were holding off until we got back on normal shifts?” Sydney asked as Maggie’s arms slipped around her, rubbing her back.  


“We can if you want. I just miss your skin. I miss these.” Maggie cupped Sydney’s breasts.  


“But you need your sleep. And I know how you like to take your time with me, I don’t think you’re going to get enough sleep if…”  


Maggie cut Sydney off with a kiss. “If you don’t want to…” Maggie started, but Sydney cut her off with another kiss.  


“I always want to, I just want to make sure you’re well rested.”  


“I took a nap when I got home, check my app.” Sydney raised her eyebrows; Maggie always tried to get long blocks of sleep at home, and only napped when she was in the on-call room out of necessity. “I miss spending time with you when you get home,” she said a little shyly. They might be moving to another country together but Maggie was still wary of letting her emotions be known.  


Sydney smiled. “I do too. I miss you too,” she said, leaning in to kiss Maggie, tangling her hands in Maggie’s hair, letting Maggie’s hands wander from where they cupped her face then slipped down to her waist. “Mmm, this is nice.”  


“You’re nice,” Maggie said, nipping at Sydney’s ear. “These are nice,” she followed on, cupping a breast.  


\---  


Sydney rested her head on Maggie’s chest, one hand squeezing at the boob that wasn’t cushioning her head. “I like these,” she said. “I really like these.”  


“Comes with being gay, I guess,” Maggie said, bemused and a little worn out.  


“No, I mean… I thought about it a lot, when I met you. How they’d feel in my hands, if they’d be different to mine,” said Sydney. “And when I hugged you that time…”  


“Oh my god, you were trying to feel me up!” Maggie said indignantly, but not so indignantly that she felt she had to move Sydney’s hand as it toyed absently with a nipple.  


“Sorry I was so duplicitous. I didn’t know how I’d be received or if I was ready for that kind of life change yet… I just wanted to…”  


“Be all pressed up against all this?” Maggie said cockily.  


“Well, without clothes in the way you can certainly see the merits,” Sydney lightly joked. “But I do like these. I don’t feel like mine measure up that well to yours.”  


“Yours are as perfect as I thought they’d be,” Maggie said, quieting Sydney’s protest with a kiss. “Just perfect.”  


“And when did you start thinking about them, Doctor Lin?” Sydney said teasingly.  


“The moment I met you,” Maggie said honestly. “The way you were tugging at those stirrups made them… jiggle…”  


Sydney giggled into Maggie’s shoulder. “Go to sleep, idiot,” she said, pleased. “You’ve only got 3 hours before you have to get up.”  


“Oh, I’ll get something up, alright,” Maggie said suggestively, leering at Sydney, who raised her head. “Alright, alright, goodnight.” Maggie gave in, kissed the soft lips Sydney raised to hers, tucked Sydney in closer against her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is at least one more chapter coming up. As always, thanks for reading and leave a review if you'd like; help me improve my fanfic game y'all.  
> Also I'll be trying to get some novels published under the name Juliette Taylor in 2018 - both heavily focussed on Australia but both still heavy on the lesbians.  
> If you're interested, check out my Twitter - I'm julietteverne there, and I'll update when I have news.


	17. After All This Time (I Still Want You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set between Season 5 episode 11 and Season 5 episode 12.  
> A little raunchy.

"Do you ever… do you ever miss men?" Sydney asked. They'd been trying to keep it causal, despite their plans to move to a different continent together, despite discussing children.

"Not really. Everything I was looking for in a partner is right here," Maggie said, holding Sydney tighter against her on the couch.

"But I mean… surely there must be some things you enjoy that I can't… provide." Sydney said hesitantly.

"Are you asking me if I miss dick?" Maggie asked incredulously. She shuffled to face Sydney, who was blushing.

"I guess so. I mean… I can't…"

"You care more about my pleasure than any man has, and I appreciate that."

"But do you miss it?"

"I miss quickies that don't take all afternoon, you know? Just a quick, five minutes, up against a wall fast and dirty."

"I take too long?" Sydney asked, crestfallen.

"No, but sometimes it'd be nice to roll over and go to sleep without starting another round. Not that it's a chore or anything," she said quickly. "But sometimes I just want to sleep."

"I meant more… like… physically?"

"You've always more than satisfied me. I have no complaints. You're very good at what you do, and there's noone else I would rather be doing it with." Maggie said, and thought the matter was done with when Sydney turned her attention back to the movie.

\-----

The next afternoon, Maggie looked up at the sound of the front door; it was the middle of Sydney's shift and no one else had a key as far as Maggie knew. Sydney stormed into the house, dragged Maggie up from the couch and pushed her against a wall, her eyes dark, lips full and flushed.

Maggie tried to speak, but Sydney kissed her, hard and fast, one hand already sneaking past her pyjama pants.

Maggie switched their places quickly, pushed Sydney against the wall, lifting her up. Sydney wrapped her legs around Maggie's waist, hips canted into Maggie. Maggie's hand slid under Sydney's skirt, straight past Sydney's soaked underwear.

Sydney moaned into Maggie's mouth once, twice. Trembled in Maggie's arms, spent.

"I need to get back to work," Sydney said once she was coherant, the first thing she'd said since she got home. "But I can see the appeal." She leaned back against the wall behind her, expecting Maggie to help her down.

"I'm not done with you yet," Maggie growled, nipping at Sydney's throat. Sydney gasped, pushed herself against Maggie again, trembling.

\-----

"I thought you said you missed quickies," Syndey said, half-accusing as she tried to straighten her clothes. She pulled her underpants off from under her skirt, walked to the bedroom to get a fresh pair. "I'll have to call in on the streetcar and say I'll be late."

"Turns out I can't help but take my time with you. Good things can't be rushed." Maggie looked supremely pleased with herself.

"So, did I satisfy that… itch?" Sydney asked, straightening her hair, picking up her purse from where she'd thrown it on the couch.

"More than satisfied. You'll have to come home for a nooner more often," Maggie said, holding Sydney from behind.

"Only if we can keep it to five minutes. With the commute…"

"If something's worth doing, it's worth doing right." Maggie said with a smirk, and Sydney had to kiss her again, then leave because she was going to be really, really late.

\-----

A week later Sydney asked again if Maggie missed men. They hadn't had another nooner, knowing that they weren't capable of being done with each other quick enough to get back to work in time.

"Most of those quickies, what I liked was the passion, the hunger. We have that everywhere, and you care if I finish too. You're what I want. You're who I want. The genitals don't matter. I mean, I like them, but it wouldn't matter which ones you had because they're yours, and you're… I'm not explaining this well." Maggie breathed in, thought about it a moment. "You're gay. I'm just gay for you." Maggie said. "I'm just… so into you. It didn't matter that you were a woman. No, that's not right. I like that you're a woman, and I like everything that comes with that."

Sydney looked up, pleased.

"I tried other women. Well, one. She was gorgeous, but she wasn't… she wasn't you. And then, when I meet men, even then, they don't measure up to you. I think maybe, even if I hadn't met you, I might have tried being with a woman. I'd like to think I would have. But with you.. no one else measures up." Maggie shook her head. "You were asking if I miss men, right?"

"I guess?"

"When I'm inside you I'm closer than I've been to anyone before. You're so open and vulnerable."

"So you don't mind that I can't… take you roughly against a wall and be done in five minutes?" Sydney asked, still a little worried. It was comforting to find out, after all this time, that Maggie had fallen for her, not her gender, or because she was sick of men.

"I like the way we do things. If I ever feel like I need something else, or if I'm missing something, I'll let you know. There are… attachments for that," Maggie said, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Attachments?" Sydney asked, perplexed for a moment.

"Strap-ons. You'd look good wearing one," Maggie said consideringly. "I'd feel a bit silly though."

"You just say the word," Sydney said seriously. Maggie sighed.

"I know you think I've made some big sacrifice by giving up the heterosexual lifestyle to be with you, but I've not. This is where I want to be, you are who I want to be with." Sydney rested her head on Maggie's shoulder, satisfied with the answer to a question that had bugged her for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. It's been a while. My body hasn't been working well for some time and I have, finally, an answer. It's taken all of my energy though, but at least now I feel… sort of ok about how little energy I have. Because there is a reason. Even if there isn't a cure, progress can be made.
> 
> Anyway, another chapter on the way. Sorry for the delay.


	18. London Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set directly after Season 5, episode 12

They had a long time at the airport to talk, and Alex dropped off Maggie’s luggage, holding her best friend as long as she could before driving to Lake Ontario, telling her baby about her best friend late into the night. Sydney and Maggie boarded the plane, and Sydney let Maggie take the window seat, as Maggie had never flown internationally. After takeoff, Sydney pulled up the armrest between them, rested her head on Maggie’s chest, curled her feet under her. 

“If you hadn’t come, I wouldn’t have gone.” Sydney said when she thought Maggie was asleep. Maggie sighed contentedly held Sydney closer. “I changed my mind dozens of times but in the airport I realised that I was doing it again. I was running away from you again. And I was so happy with you, so much happier than I ever thought I could be. I know it’s my first real relationship, I know I haven’t been with a lot of people - or anyone else, at all - but this is the most me I’ve ever been. I don’t know why I thought I could walk away from that. From you.” Maggie stirred, looked down at Sydney. 

“Because you’re passionate, and that’s one of the things I love about you. You have a passion for your career and while it hurt that you’d leave me behind for it, I wish I cared that much about anything that I’d give up everything for it.” 

“But you do. You just did. I thought I was asking too much, I didn’t want to take your career from you - because I’d already said that no one would take it from me - but you wouldn’t. I would have stayed for you. I was going to go back to the hospital, I was looking to get a cab when I saw you. I couldn’t leave like that. It felt terrible and I was telling myself I was doing it for you – because there is no way in hell I’d leave you behind for my sake – but to leave you behind willingly, to push you away… I left the note, but I couldn’t say what I wanted to say in it, wasn’t sure you’d find someone to read it. I love you Maggie, and I can’t bear to be without you. If you’d wanted to stay, I would have come back. My career means a lot to me – but you have always meant more. When I was there last year, when I was in Tel Aviv, when I had the best jobs in the best hospitals…”

Sydney looked at Maggie, took her hand.

“When I said I thought about you every day, that was an understatement. You were always on my mind, and while I enjoyed the work, I was never really satisfied. I was always wondering, always thinking back, and objectively, we’d never even been on a date. We never really talked about it, we were together once… and yet when I went home I didn’t think about the great things I’d done, or the babies I saved. I thought about you, and having done all those things meant nothing if I couldn’t come home to tell you about them. England would have been the same all over again. Just… filling time until I could go home. Until I could see you again, and hope that you’d forgive me for walking away from you again. But.. are you sure you made the right choice? I never want to stand in your way, and that job… that was a really good job you gave up to start all over again in another country.”

Maggie hesitated. The job she’d just walked away from was how Sydney got her start, was one of the stepping stones Sydney had used to get this position. 

“It would have been nice,” Maggie said slowly. “But it can wait. I can always stand to keep learning, and I think the experience will look almost as good on my resume. As for the wage… well… I hope you’ll be supporting us for the most part, because the one I’ve been offered in England is minimal.” 

Sydney smiled against Maggie’s collarbone. “Of course. And the bed is on me too. Double?” 

“Queen,” Maggie said, jostling Sydney.

“But I like being close to you when we sleep.” Sydney pouted, and Maggie pressed a kiss to her temple.

“We’re close now. We’ll make it work in a queen.” Sydney hummed contentedly, started to doze off.

“You’re not an island,” Maggie said suddenly.

“What?” Sydney asked, surprised.

“You’re not alone. It’s not just you against the world any more. You’ve got me, and I’m always on your side.”

“I know. It takes some getting used to. I’ve always known how my family would react, so I always tried to be self-sufficient.” Sydney said, knowing she’d been wrong, but knowing Maggie would understand. Did understand; she was here after Sydney had tried to leave her.

“Next time you have a big decision, talk to me, ok?” 

"You know goodbyes aren’t really my thing, so let’s just… make them unnecessary from now on, OK?” Sydney said as she nuzzled closer into Maggie, closed her eyes again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this on my Dropbox. Not sure if there will be more. Will try to update next Monday.

**Author's Note:**

> This is cross-posted from fanfiction.net under JulieVerne.
> 
> New chapters are in order


End file.
